Your capacity to make decisions with your ex-spouse in regard to your child’s school holidays, sporting events, and anything else (health, religion, etc.) will reflect your relationship surrounding the divorce. If hostility, bitterness, and court battles has been your pattern of interaction, there will be no cooperation in regard to these issues. One divorced father said that he arrived at the senior awards banquet of his daughter to discover that he was sitting next to the ice machine while his ex sat at his daughter's table with 12 carefully handpicked adults. His exclusion was obvious, but no different from his being kept in the dark about changes in his daughter's school holidays, softball games or swimming meets. About 20% of divorced couples have such a relationship which is contrary to what is best for their children. It is a no win situation for the ex-spouses and for their children. The philosophy of the heartchoice divorce site stands for civility and cooperation following one's divorce for the sake of the children - it doesn't always happen. Divorce spouses who have the goal of facilitating each others’ involvement in their children's lives follow basic guidelines which may serve as a model for other divorced parents.
- Keep the partner informed/included. The custodial parent usually has more information about the day-to-day events in the child's schedule. Sharing this information with the ex-spouse as it becomes available facilitates involvement in the child's life. Indeed, if each partner takes the position of including the other, the children benefit. One high school sophomore said that it was important for her that both her parents attend her music recitals but that there were always last minute changes. She appreciated her mother's cooperation in ensuring that her dad always had the latest recital schedule. In return, dad would go to events early and save his ex a seat at the front.
- Be accommodating. Changing your schedule to accommodate your ex-partner's needs helps build a cooperative spirit. One non-custodial dad already had plane reservations to take his children on vacation when his ex-spouse called to ask that he change those plans since a family reunion was to occur back in the town where the children were born. The dad swapped times with the child's mother so that his children could experience their cousins at the family reunion and could still vacation with him. The dad also won points with his ex, who reciprocated a schedule change on a subsequent occasion to meet his need.
- Discuss preferences for how decisions will be made. Rearing children involves continuous decision making. It is helpful if parents (in spite of their divorce) discuss whether each prefers to make decisions alone, to have the partner make decisions alone, or to consult/discuss decisions. Ask yourself which decision pattern you prefer and what you would hope your ex would prefer for each of the following requests by your 13 year old son/daughter:
a. ...to go out on a date with a peer driver.
b....to have a tongue rings or tattoo.
c....to spend the night at a friend’s house with a 19 year old as a chaperone
These issues may be vexing to any parent, divorced or not. But divorce may require an additional effort to arrive at a course of action suitable for the child and the parents. These understandings (inclusion, accommodation, discussion of preferences) have the same goal- to create a context (in spite of the divorce) in which the child continues to enjoy the love and support of each parent. The parents, child, and society win.
