Pre-Separation Issues
Personal- Consider seeing a marriage counselor with your spouse to improve your marriage. If you must seek a divorce, get a formal/legal separation agreement drawn up and signed before you and your spouse begin to live in separate residences. You can get a head start on this issue by drawing up the agreement yourself. OurDivorceAgreement.com will save you both time and money. A divorce mediator can help you draw up this agreement- this person works with you and your partner together and doesn't "take sides."
Spouse- If divorce is inevitable, adopt the perspective that you will nurture as positive a relationship with your soon to be former spouse as possible. You, your former spouse, and your children benefit from such a relationship.
Children- Tell your children nothing until you make a definite decision to get divorced and have begun to develop a separation agreement.
Relatives- Same as for your children.
Finances- Anticipate a drop in income. Look for alternative housing.
Legal- Contact a divorce mediator if your relationship with your spouse is civil to develop the terms of your separation agreement. If mediation is not an option, each spouse needs legal advice. Divorce laws are state specific; click here to talk with an attorney in your state. What you don't know can hurt you.
SEPARATION ISSUES
Personal- Consider seeing a therapist alone to help you through the emotional devastation of divorce. Don’t separate (move out) until you have a formal/legal signed agreement. Divorced Dad's Survival Book is helpful for Dad's going through divorce and for partners' of such dads.
Spouse- Endeavor to cooperate /be civil with your former partner.
Children- Tell your children of your decision to divorce. Make clear to them that they are not to blame and that the divorce will not change your love and care for them.
Relatives- Tell your parents/friends of your decision to divorce and tell them you will need their support during this period of transition. Reach out to the parents of your soon to be former partner and tell them that in spite of the divorce that you would like to maintain a positive with them...which your children will benefit from.
Finances- Your divorce mediator or attorney will instruct you to develop an inventory of what you own, your possessions, etc. Open up a separate savings and checking account.
Legal- Complete divorce mediation with a mediator. If not possible, ask an attorney for advice about developing a legal separation agreement you can live with. Be reasonable. The more you and your spouse can agree on, the more time and money you save in legal fees. Mediated divorces cost about $1500 and take about a month. A litigated divorce costs $20,000 plus and takes about three years.
DIVORCE ISSUES
Personal- Nurture your relationships with friends and family who will provide support during the process of your divorce.
Spouse- Continue to nurture as civil a relationship as possible with your soon to be former partner.
Children- Ensure that they have frequent and regular contact with each parent. Nurture their relationship with the other parent and their grandparents on both sides.
Relatives- Continue to have regular contact with friends/family who provide emotional support.
Finances- Be frugal.
Legal- Keep current on advice from an attorney. The biggest mistake you can make at this stage is a legal mistake.
POST DIVORCE ISSUES
Personal- Seek other relationships. Match.com is a good place to start- you can find someone with whom you have a LOT in common. Go slow and do a lot of looking before you email anyone. And be even slower in terms of commitment to a new partner. Give yourself at least 18 months before making a new commitment to a new partner.
Former Spouse- Continue as civil a relationship as possible. Encourage their involvement in another relationship. Be positive about a new partner in their life. You will want the same from your former partner some day.
Children- Spend individual time with each child. Do not require your children to like/enjoy your new partner. Divorced Dad's Survival Book The Divorced Dad's Survival Book details how to introduce children to a new partner and how the new partner can cope with her divorced partner's children.
Relatives- Provide both sets of grandparents access to your children
Finances- Continue to be frugal. Move toward getting out of debt.
Legal- Contact an if your spouse does not do what he or she agreed to in the divorce agreement.
