Abridged from The Divorced Dad’s Survival Book
The greatest fear children face is that they will be abandoned. Seeing the father leave the house and noticing his absence at the dinner table alters the child's sense of security. "If mom left dad, will she leave me next?" is a frightening question children may ask themselves. They quickly conclude that she won’t, but are nevertheless thrown off balance by the anxiety of even thinking such a question.
Some children feel guilty and responsible for the divorce. One teenager that I spoke with said that if she had been more pleasant to be around, her father would never have left.
I was always a problem . . . out drinking late with my boyfriend, making bad grades, and taking over the house with my friends. My dad moved into a place where he doesn't have to deal with me and he's got his whole apartment to himself. I knew he and my mom weren't getting along so I know he wouldn’t stay for her. And since I had drifted away from him, he just didn't have a reason to stay around.
Things you can’t change
Some children notice an immediate change in their standard of living at the time of separation and don't like it: the cable television may be cut, the summer beach trip canceled, and the family may move to more cramped living quarters. Dad may also have moved into a dump with no TV or video games at all. On the other hand, children may experience an improved standard of living. While child support payments usually aren’t enough to do this, the mother may have wealthy parents or her own resources. She may also remarry
Things you can do to help
Although there is nothing you can do to erase the base-level anxieties children will naturally have about divorce, there are steps you can take to minimize their suffering. A few of these follow:
1. Minimize Conflict with Your Former Spouse
2. Make Talking About the Divorce Acceptable
Since children will be sad and grieving that you and their mother are divorcing, make clear to your children that it is acceptable to feel angry and sad and to talk about these feelings. Your kids may get mad at you for leaving and express this in various ways. Encourage them to discuss their feelings with you, even if these may be a little hostile at times. If you show them that you remain committed to them as a father, their hostility will pass. Keeping the channels of communication open will help your kids adjust sooner.
3. Maintain Strong Relationships with Your Children
Children who have a strong relationship with at least one parent adjust more easily to divorce than children who have marginal relationships with both parents. A strong relationship provides an anchor for the children during the turbulent divorce process. Otherwise, the children may feel they are adrift on a sea of uncertainty
4. Know When to Consult a Professional
Some children are very sensitive and temperamental. Divorce for them is a major, almost debilitating, crisis. Symptoms that would suggest that your son or daughter might benefit from seeing a professional therapist include anger. Under anger fall several sorts of behavior, including rage (yelling at mother or father), defiance (refusal to follow authority; a “make me” attitude) and destructive behavior (wrecking his/her bedroom; destroying photographs or treasured possessions). Other warning signs include withdrawal, where the child goes into seclusion and shows little or no interest in activities with peers, parents, or siblings. Such a child may refuse to eat, sleep; he or she may lose weight and be generally sullen and sad. In addition to loss of appetite, overeating for comfort is also a pattern indicating that the child’s emotional needs are not being met by parents or friends, so he or she turns to food. Eating disorders are dangerous both mentally and physically, and should be treated as soon as possible. These disorders are most common in young women, but not unheard of in young men.
A steady and consistent drop in school performance also indicates that the child is distracted with unresolved family issues that interfere with his or her academic ability. This can occur for other reasons and is often temporary, but should the difficulty become acute, a therapist could save the child having to repeat a grade. Finally, you should also seek the advice of a therapist if your child makes and repeats direct statements of great guilt that cannot be reassured by parents, or if he or she begins to talk about suicide.
Another warning that a child may need professional help is when the child is engaging in “cross-gender parenting.” In these cases, a son may try to take the father’s place in his mother’s emotional life. Such a child fears to leave mom alone, even if that means going to a movie or some other favorite activity. This pattern is problematic because it is not only socially inappropriate, but harmful in that a child needs and deserves a child’s life.
Most children will not need therapeutic intervention after their parents’ divorce. However, children who are performing poorly in school, have no satisfactory social relationships, have low self esteem, and who are always sad or angry and withdrawn, will probably benefit from seeing a psychiatrist or child psychologist. Children who are temperamentally very sensitive, whose parents are psychologically incapacitated by the divorce and unable to nurture their children, and children who feel a strong sense of rejection or abandonment are particularly vulnerable. I heard of one adolescent whose parents had divorced who shot himself and left a note, "I couldn't take it anymore." You must be on the lookout for warning signs, particularly in the beginning of the separation. Call your local mental health center or ask your family physician for a referral if you feel your child's symptoms warrant an appointment. In most cases, however, the most negative effects of divorce on your children will be short-lived, and their long-term adjustment may be even better than if your marriage had continued.
