Do women or men keep more secrets and why?  Other findings…

Alora Brackett and her colleagues analyzed a 50 item Internet survey completed by 431 respondents on secrets in their romantic relationships.  Almost three fourths (74.4%) reported ever having kept a personal secret in a romantic relationship.  Findings included:

1.  Women kept more secrets than men.  Sensitivity to the partner’s reaction, desire to avoid hurting the partner, and desire to avoid damaging the relationship may have been the primary motives for why females are more likely than males to keep a secret from a romantic partner.  Abundant research has demonstrated that females are more invested in relationships than males. This relationship value may translate into keeping secrets to minimize relationship discord/pain from one's soulmate.

2. Spouses kept more secrets than dating partners.  The cultural script for spouses is that they have “open communication” with fidelity a given.  The Tiger Wood’s mistress scandal became international news because he was MARRIED (and the violation of keeping a stable of mistresses created outrage even from his fellow golfers).  Had Woods been single and cheating on his girlfriend, there would be no interest by the media.

Given higher cultural standards for fidelity, the need to avoid disapproval from a spouse requires keeping secret anything of which the partner would disapprove.  Even the husband who eats a candy bar on the way home and destroys the wrapper is keeping a secret.  Hence, spouses keep more secrets from singles because the cultural script demands that a higher level of honesty (which is unrealistic but the illusion of openness is maintained by secrecy).

3.  Blacks kept more secrets than Whites.    Like homosexuals, Blacks are a minority who may still be victimized by the white majority.  One way to avoid such disapproval is to keep one’s thoughts to one’s self- to keep a secret.  This skill of deception may generalize to one’s romantic relationships.

4.  Individuals in happier relationships kept more secrets.  Individuals in happy relationships compared to those in less happy relationships were more likely to keep secrets from a romantic partner.  All relationships depend on some level of deception.  Unbounded openness can be devastating.  The partner who is mildly attracted to someone else who keeps this a secret may protect the relationship from potential discord more so than the spouse who “tells” the partner of such an attraction.

5.   Homosexuals kept more secrets than heterosexuals.  Homosexuals live in a heterosexist context which encourages regular deception by hiding their sexual orientation to avoid prejudice and discrimination.  Indeed the phrase “in the closet” means “keeping a secret.”  Since being deceptive may become a part of one’s personality,  its expression may generalize to one’s romantic relationship.  Everyone has secrets and everyone decides on a daily basis the degree to which they will be open and disclosing about which issue.  Homosexuals may keep a secret from a romantic partner more often because they have a pattern of keeping secrets.

Respondents were asked why they kept a personal secret from a romantic partner.  “To avoid hurting the partner” was the top reason reported by almost forty percent (38.9%) of the respondents with “it would alter our relationship” and “I feel so ashamed for what I did” reported by 17.7% and 10.7% of the respondents respectively.  Secrets occur even with one's right mate and in marriage. Where secrets are a problem in a relationship, SKYPE therapy may help.