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Partners who have a good sexual relationship tend to have certain
characteristics What happens outside the bedroom in day-to-day interaction has a tremendous
influence on what happens inside the bedroom. The statement "I can't fight with
you all day and want to have sex with you at night" illustrates the social
context of the sexual experience. The verbal and nonverbal communication
preceding, during, and after sexual interaction may also reflect the nature of
the couple's out-of-bed relationship. One wife said: I can tell how we're doing by whether or not we have intercourse and how
he approaches me when we do. Sometimes he just rolls over when the lights
are out and starts to rub my back. Other times, he plays with my face while
we talk and kisses me and waits till I reach for him. And still other times,
we each stay on our side of the bed so that our legs don't even touch.
Open Sexual Communication Good sexual partners express what they want and don's want in their sexual
relationship. Unless both partners communicate their needs, preferences, and
expectations to each other, neither is ever sure what the other wants. According
to Dr. Jack Turner, a clinical psychologist, the Golden Rule ("Do unto others as
you would have them do unto you") is NOT helpful, because what you like may not
be the same as what your partner wants. A classic example of the uncertain lover
is the man who picks up a copy of The Erotic Lover in a bookstore and
leafs through the pages until the topic on how to please a woman catches his
eye. He reads that women enjoy having their breasts stimulated by their
partner's tongue and teeth. Later that night in bed, he rolls over and begins to
nibble on his partner's breasts. Meanwhile, she wonders what has possessed him
and is unsure what to make of this new (possibly unpleasant) behavior. Good sex
partners take the guesswork out of their sexual relationship by communicating
preferences and giving feedback. This means using what some therapists call the
touch-and-ask rule. Each touch and caress may include the question "How does
that feel?" It is the partner's responsibility to give feedback. If the touch
does not feel good, the partner should say what does feel good. Guiding and
moving the partner's hand or body are also ways of giving feedback Self-knowledge, Self-esteem, Health A good sex life with your partner also involves knowledge about yourself and
your body. Such information allows you to give accurate information to your
partner about pleasing you. Masturbation is often helpful in self-discovery of
one's own self- pleasure. It is not possible to teach a partner what turns you
on if you don's know yourself. A positive self-concept is also important. To the degree that you have
positive feelings about yourself and your body, you will regard yourself as a
person someone else would enjoy touching, being close to, and making love with.
If you do not like yourself or your body, you might wonder why anyone else
would. Effective sexual functioning also requires good physical and mental health.
Physically, this means regular exercise, good nutrition, lack of disease, and
lack of fatigue. Regular exercise, whether walking, jogging, aerobics, swimming,
or bicycling, is related to higher sexual desire and interest. Good health also implies being aware that some drugs may interfere with
sexual performance. Alcohol is the most frequently used drug by American adults.
Although a moderate amount of alcohol can help a person become aroused through a
lowering of inhibitions, too much alcohol can slow the physiological processes
and deaden the senses. Shakespeare may have said it best: "It [drink] provokes
the desire, but it takes away the performance" (Macbeth, act 2, scene 3). The
result of an excessive intake of alcohol for women is a reduced chance of
orgasm; for men, overindulgence results in a reduced chance of getting and
keeping an erection. Addressing Safer Sex Issues No sexual relationship can be fulfilling without eliminating the worry over
getting a disease. The Center for Disease Control estimates that at least one
person in four will contract a sexually transmissible infection-HIV, genital
herpes, genital warts, etc. Sexuality in an age of HIV and STI (sexually transmissible infections)
demands talking about safer sex issues with a new potential sexual partner.
Bringing up the issue of condom use should be perceived as caring for the
partner and the relationship, not a sign of distrust. Realistic Expectations A good sex life also implies having realistic expectations. It is unrealistic
to assume that your partner will want to have sex with the same frequency and in
the same way that you do on all occasions. It may also be unrealistic to expect
the level of sexual interest and frequency of sexual interaction in long-term
relationships to remain consistently high. Couples should not ask things of the
sexual relationship that it cannot deliver. Failure to develop realistic
expectations will result in frustration and resentment. Avoiding Spectatoring One of the obstacles to a good sexual relationship is mentally observing your
sexual performance and that of your partner. Spectatoring, as Masters and
Johnson conceived it, interferes with each partner's sexual enjoyment because it
creates anxiety about performance; and anxiety blocks performance. A man who
worries about getting an erection reduces his chance of doing so. A woman who is
anxious about achieving an orgasm probably will not. The desirable alternative
to spectatoring is to relax, focus on and enjoy your own pleasure, and permit
yourself to be sexually responsive. All people engage in spectatoring to some
degree. It is when spectatoring is continuous that performance is impaired.
A Good Out-of-Bed Relationship
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