Heartchoice.com: Helpful Articles: Facts and Myths about Marriages that Last

“I can soon learn how to do it if you’ll show me how it’s done. Fine counsel is confusing but example is always clear” wrote Edgar A. Guest. Since most of us have the goal of an enduring marriage, let’s look at the spouses in such marriages.

Although some spouses believe in “doing your own thing” and “staying together as long as it's working,” couples who stay together are determined to do so. They value themselves, their vows, and their relationship, and they intend to overcome whatever problems they encounter. “Marriage isn't too much fun at times,” says one spouse who has been married for 46 years, “but you've got to look at it as something you and your partner work on together and are committed to. If you don't feel that way, you won't make it.”

“I slept and dreamed that life was beauty. I woke and found that life was duty,” wrote Ellen Hooper, a 19th century poet. Were marriage as romantic as the whirl of courtship, all couples would stay together. But the time demands of careers and children inevitably cut into the time spouses previously gave to each other. Just as the partners spent time with each other when they were dating, it is imperative that they continue to do so after they are married

A marriage is similar to a garden. It takes time to keep it thiving. “If you don’t have time for your marriage, you’ll have to take time for your divorce” or live in a dead marriage.

They Communicate Effectively

The cliche that “good communication is the most important part of successful marriage” is true. Good communication means talking with your partner about what you think and feel, being interested in what your partner does and says, and discussing conflicts and problems in a way that neither partner feels belittled or attacked. But the real value of communication is that it provides an emotional connection between the partners.

They Are Skillful at Negotiating Compromises

Regardless of how much spouses are in love with each other, they will disagree. Such disagreement is healthy because it reflects a mutual willingness to express preferences. Spouses who do not tell their partners they are unhappy may grow bitter and communicate their hostility in more subtle ways such as alcohol abuse and withdrawal of affection. By making their preferences known to each other, spouses can negotiate and compromise their differences. Not to negotiate conflicts is to keep them alive in the relationship. If we do not solve our problems, we keep them and they get worse.

They Are Flexible

In courtship, we can see only a portion of the marital road ahead. Our limited vision requires that we remain flexible for what is around the bend. Heraclitus observed, “Nothing endures but change.” Spouses in marriages that last can, like a tall cedar against the wind, bend without breaking. And bend we must. Such flexibility becomes particularly important when the couple has children and both have careers.

They Have Strong Egos

A strong marriage has been likened to two pillars on opposite ends supporting a flat marble surface. The stability of the marriage is in reference to the independently strong supports. And the distance they are from each other adds to the stability.

They Enjoy Sex

Sex has been referred to as the icing on the cake. Sex won't make a good marriage but it can make a good one better. And although good sex between partners won't ensure that the partners will stay together, it provides one more reason why they want to.

They Have None of the Above Characteristics

If you were to talk with 100 spouses in marriages that have lasted for over three decades (it is rare for a couple to divorce who have been married this long) you would find that most of the characteristics mentioned above would be true of most of the people you talked with. But you would also find exceptions. You would find spouses who had none of these characteristics but who were committed to stay with each other. It is not only possible but true that there are spouses who have remained together for decades who have none of the characteristics described above: they avoid spending time together, they rarely talk with each other, they have affairs, they despise each other, and they never have sex with each other. And they will die together.

Although each couple stays together for reasons which may be different from those of the next couple, some of the more frequent reasons unhappy spouses stay with each other are in reference to money, children, fear, and parents.

SOME MYTHS ABOUT SPOUSES IN MARRIAGES THAT LAST

Just as there are certain facts about spouses in marriages that last, there are certain myths about them, too.

They Are Always Happy

Perhaps the greatest myth of spouses in stable and loving relationships is that they are always happy. We tend to assume that their marriages are immune from the normal ups and downs in any relationship. They aren't

They Do Not Have Problems

Related to the absence of continuous happiness is the presence of problems. The fact that you love your partner are committed to each other does not mean that you do not have problems- even serious ones such as a alcohol abuse, unemployment, emotional/physical abuse, and infidelity. But how these problems are viewed and dealt with makes the difference between marriages that flourish and those that disintegrate.

They Do Not Seek Therapy

Another myth about spouses in marriages that last is that they never seek a therapist. Spouses in lasting marriages are thought to have problems that are minor or to have the skills to cope with them without seeking outside help. Nonsense. As already noted, no spouse or marriage is immune to the potential problems of living in an intimate relationship for several decades. And spouses in marriages that last are no exception. Spouses who are deeply committed to each other may be more likely to choose marital counseling, rather than divorce, in response to marital difficulties.

Finally, we sometimes assume that spouses in marriages that last just lucked into it. They met the right person at the right time, had no trouble launching their professions, and have had no problems of alcoholism, infidelity, and on and on.

In one sense, there is an element of luck in any lasting relationship. There are too many potential things to go wrong in marriage for an element of good fortune not to be operative. But in another sense, lasting marriages don't just happen by themselves. They are the result of efforts by conscientious spouses who care about each other and who struggle to keep each other and their relationship on track.

Facts and Myths about Marriages that Last	[ Close Window ]

Facts/Myths about Marriages that Last When a newly married couple smiles, everyone knows why. When a 20-year married couple smiles, everyone wonders why Anonymous “I can soon learn how to do it if you’ll show me how it’s done. Fine counsel is confusing but example is always clear” wrote Edgar A. Guest. Since most of us have the goal of an enduring marriage, let’s look at the spouses in such marriages. SOME FACTS ABOUT SPOUSES IN MARRIAGES THAT LAST There are ten characteristics of spouses in lasting marriages. They Are Committed to Making Their Marriage Work Although some spouses believe in “doing your own thing” and “staying together as long as it's working,” couples who stay together are determined to do so. They value themselves, their vows, and their relationship, and they intend to overcome whatever problems they encounter. “Marriage isn't too much fun at times,” says one spouse who has been married for 46 years, “but you've got to look at it as something you and your partner work on together and are committed to. If you don't feel that way, you won't make it.” They Spend Time Together “I slept and dreamed that life was beauty. I woke and found that life was duty,” wrote Ellen Hooper, a 19th century poet. Were marriage as romantic as the whirl of courtship, all couples would stay together. But the time demands of careers and children inevitably cut into the time spouses previously gave to each other. Just as the partners spent time with each other when they were dating, it is imperative that they continue to do so after they are married A marriage is similar to a garden. It takes time to keep it thiving. “If you don’t have time for your marriage, you’ll have to take time for your divorce” or live in a dead marriage. They Communicate Effectively The cliche that “good communication is the most important part of successful marriage” is true. Good communication means talking with your partner about what you think and feel, being interested in what your partner does and says, and discussing conflicts and problems in a way that neither partner feels belittled or attacked. But the real value of communication is that it provides an emotional connection between the partners. They Are Skillful at Negotiating Compromises Regardless of how much spouses are in love with each other, they will disagree. Such disagreement is healthy because it reflects a mutual willingness to express preferences. Spouses who do not tell their partners they are unhappy may grow bitter and communicate their hostility in more subtle ways such as alcohol abuse and withdrawal of affection. By making their preferences known to each other, spouses can negotiate and compromise their differences. Not to negotiate conflicts is to keep them alive in the relationship. If we do not solve our problems, we keep them and they get worse. They Are Flexible In courtship, we can see only a portion of the marital road ahead. Our limited vision requires that we remain flexible for what is around the bend. Heraclitus observed, “Nothing endures but change.” Spouses in marriages that last can, like a tall cedar against the wind, bend without breaking. And bend we must. Such flexibility becomes particularly important when the couple has children and both have careers. They Have Strong Egos A strong marriage has been likened to two pillars on opposite ends supporting a flat marble surface. The stability of the marriage is in reference to the independently strong supports. And the distance they are from each other adds to the stability. They Enjoy Sex Sex has been referred to as the icing on the cake. Sex won't make a good marriage but it can make a good one better. And although good sex between partners won't ensure that the partners will stay together, it provides one more reason why they want to. They Have None of the Above Characteristics If you were to talk with 100 spouses in marriages that have lasted for over three decades (it is rare for a couple to divorce who have been married this long) you would find that most of the characteristics mentioned above would be true of most of the people you talked with. But you would also find exceptions. You would find spouses who had none of these characteristics but who were committed to stay with each other. It is not only possible but true that there are spouses who have remained together for decades who have none of the characteristics described above: they avoid spending time together, they rarely talk with each other, they have affairs, they despise each other, and they never have sex with each other. And they will die together. Although each couple stays together for reasons which may be different from those of the next couple, some of the more frequent reasons unhappy spouses stay with each other are in reference to money, children, fear, and parents. SOME MYTHS ABOUT SPOUSES IN MARRIAGES THAT LAST Just as there are certain facts about spouses in marriages that last, there are certain myths about them, too. They Are Always Happy Perhaps the greatest myth of spouses in stable and loving relationships is that they are always happy. We tend to assume that their marriages are immune from the normal ups and downs in any relationship. They aren't They Do Not Have Problems Related to the absence of continuous happiness is the presence of problems. The fact that you love your partner are committed to each other does not mean that you do not have problems- even serious ones such as a alcohol abuse, unemployment, emotional/physical abuse, and infidelity. But how these problems are viewed and dealt with makes the difference between marriages that flourish and those that disintegrate. They Do Not Seek Therapy Another myth about spouses in marriages that last is that they never seek a therapist. Spouses in lasting marriages are thought to have problems that are minor or to have the skills to cope with them without seeking outside help. Nonsense. As already noted, no spouse or marriage is immune to the potential problems of living in an intimate relationship for several decades. And spouses in marriages that last are no exception. Spouses who are deeply committed to each other may be more likely to choose marital counseling, rather than divorce, in response to marital difficulties. They Are Lucky Finally, we sometimes assume that spouses in marriages that last just lucked into it. They met the right person at the right time, had no trouble launching their professions, and have had no problems of alcoholism, infidelity, and on and on. In one sense, there is an element of luck in any lasting relationship. There are too many potential things to go wrong in marriage for an element of good fortune not to be operative. But in another sense, lasting marriages don't just happen by themselves. They are the result of efforts by conscientious spouses who care about each other and who struggle to keep each other and their relationship on track.
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Facts/Myths about Marriages that Last