One of the best experiences in life is to live in a marriage with someone you love, who loves you, and with whom you share your life. But who are these spouses who have such marriages? In a previous article we reviewed some of the facts and myths about spouses in marriages that last in terms of the way they relate to each other (they were committed, flexible, empathetic, etc.) In this article we look at their characteristics as individuals. To the degree that you have these characteristics, your chance of having a lasting marriage is increased.

LATE-TWENTIES AT MARRIAGE

One of the greatest predictors of a lasting relationship is the age of the partners when they marry. Marriage during the teen years is a big risk. Teenagers who marry have two to three times as great a chance of getting divorced as those who wait until their twenties to get married. And the lowest divorce rates are for those who put off marriage until their mid to late twenties. A man who waits until he is 30 and a woman who waits until she is 27 to tie the marital knot will have the lowest divorce rate of anyone.

Of course, it is not age per se that helps insulate spouses from divorce. The older a person is at the time of marriage the more likely other factors will influence marital stability. These other factors include greater maturity, more money, more education, parental approval and not being premaritally pregnant. And all of these variables are related to greater success in marriage.   If an individual just has patience and doesn't get sucked into the marital tunnel too early, she or he tends to reap the dividends in terms of a lasting marriage.   "But it's hard to wait," said one 18-year-old.   "I've finished high school, don't want to go to college, have a job, am in love with Rob, and am ready to settle down. Why should I wait? If I don't marry him now, he'll marry someone else and then where will I be?"

 TWO YEARS OF KNOWING/DATING

We all know spouses who have met and married each other within a short time. Some meet and marry the same day if the laws of the state in which they meet do not require a blood test or a waiting period before and after the marriage license (e.g., Nevada). But these marriages are very divorce-prone.

One of the reasons for an extended courtship is the increased opportunity for the partners to see each other in a variety of settings and to assess each other's reactions.   If the partners know each other for less than a year, it is relatively easy to hide what they don't want the other partner to see.  And seeing the person under stress‑ changing a tire, when he has lost his billfold, when she hasn=t slept in two days‑ will provide more information than 100 Saturday- night dates. Courtship is a time of massive deception. Each partner shows only that portion of the self that is likely to be approved of by the partner. Samuel Rogers must have known this when he said, "It does not much signify whom one marries, as one is sure to find the next morning it is someone else."  Julia Roberts and Lyle Lovett knew each other for three weeks before they married.  They divorced within the year.

 PARENTAL APPROVAL OF PARTNER

Spouses in marriages that last tend to have had the approval of their parents for the person they selected. Parental approval is important because the parents usually know their offspring quite well and can predict the type of person with whom he or she would be able to get along.  Sometimes the offspring don't see what the parents see as potential problems because they (the offspring) are so deliriously in love that they become defensive at the parents' remarks about the partner. "I knew my Mom was right," said one ex‑wife, "when she told me he wasn't right for me. But I loved him and I wanted it to work. I'm sorry to say it didn't."

RELIABLE SOURCE OF INCOME

Money is necessary for our survival. Without it we can't eat, protect ourselves from the weather, or buy the health care we need. Beyond these essentials, we like to play with our partners ‑go to dinner, see a movie, take a vacation, etc. But unless we have a stable source of income, we are in trouble ‑big trouble. Although spouses in marriages that last are not immune from worrying about money, they rarely teeter on the poverty line.  In comparison, the lower the income of a couple, the more likely they are to get divorced.

SPOUSE WAS NOT ON REBOUND

A person on the rebound is one who has been involved in a love relationship and has been dumped. The person feels hurt and vulnerable and grasps for a new love relationship to help salve the wounds from the previous relationship. And sometimes the new love is used to get back at the person who did the dumping. One ex‑ spouse on the rebound said:

I was devastated when my fiance left me. I had been planning on the wedding for months and couldn't face my parents or friends or anybody. And then I met Bill in an evening class at the local university. I fell for him quickly, not because of the characteristics he had or we had together but because I was hurt and needed desperately to love somebody and to show others that I was still a desirable person. We married after a whirlwind courtship but I was still in love with my fiance. You've heard of good ideas and bad ideas. Marriage when you are on the rebound is a bad idea.

Spouses in marriages that last are more likely to have gotten over a previous love relationship before becoming involved with their mate. The danger of a rebound love is that the new person is viewed as a life raft from turbulent and unpleasant emotional waters.    And anyone who throws the liferaft out will do.   In essence the partner is selected because he or she is "there" and not because of any particular qualities he or she may have.

SPOUSES NOT ESCAPING UNHAPPY HOME

Similar to marrying on the rebound, marrying to escape an unhappy home life with one's parents is somewhat predictive of a marriage that won't last. And the reason is the same‑ the focus is on something other than the new partner. Rather than being based on a good relationship the marriage is based on the fact that the person wants to get away from something unpleasant. The motive is to leave home, not build a home with someone new. As in rebound marriages, anyone will do. One ex-husband said:

My father was an alcoholic and beat me and my mother regularly. I swore at age 16 that I was going to leave as soon as I could. So when I met this girl who was also 16, I knew I was a goner. We drove to a neighboring state, lied about our ages, and got married. I knew very little about her ‑only that I wanted to leave home. After I got to know her, I didn=t like her and we got divorced.

NO PREMARITAL PREGNANCY

The fetus is present in about a fourth of all marriages. Such a premarital pregnancy is a bad start for most marriages. In some cases the partners have only moderate love and commitment to each other but decide that because the woman is pregnant they will get married and make the best of it. "Abortion was out of the question," said one woman who was premaritally pregnant.   "We just made up our minds that we were going to see this thing through. But it was easier to say than to do. I always felt that he would not have married me if I had not been pregnant, so I sometimes feel like I trapped him. And now that we are older, I wish he hadn't married me, even though I was pregnant."

In addition to forcing a marriage that might not have occurred without the premarital pregnancy, the spouses who are premaritally pregnant do not have a child free period. They do not have an opportunity to adjust to each other as husband and wife before the roles of father and mother are dropped on them. And infants cost money. Costs for the first year (prenatal, delivery, and postnatal care) are between $3,000 and $5000.

CHURCH ATTENDERS

Several years ago, there were billboards across the country with the scene of a family kneeling in prayer. The caption read, AThe family who prays together stays together." The slogan is true. The more devout spouses are in their religious feelings (as evidenced by church attendance and church membership), the more likely they are to be in lasting marriages.   And Mormons, who are very religious people, have one of the lowest divorce rates of all religious denominations.

One of the reasons religious spouses tend to have a low divorce rate is that they share a common view with their partner. They see the world through the same set of lens ‑a religious set. And whenever spouses share a very important value, they are more likely to stay together.

Another reason for fewer divorces among religious spouses is that they are surrounded by conservative religious people who would severely disapprove of a divorce. And the threat of their disapproval is sometimes enough to keep people together. "We have been going to the same church for 25 years," said one wife. "And although our 'happy' marriage is a front for two folks who really don't care about each other, we wouldn't dare get a divorce. There is just too much social pressure from parents and friends to stay together."

PARENTS STILL MARRIED

Divorce is like heart disease‑ it runs in families.    If your parents are divorced, there is an increased chance that you will be divorced too. But it is also true that if your parents have stayed together, the chance is increased that you and your partner will have a marriage that lasts.

One reason for the connection between the stability of our parents' marriage and that of our own marriage is that we learn much of our behavior from our parents. And if we see that divorce is the way they resolved their conflicts and unhappiness, when we have our turn at conflict and unhappiness it is easier to go through the same divorce door they went through. Likewise, if we observed their commitment to each other in spite of the problems they had, we tend to be more committed in our own relationships.

And facing our parents about our own divorce is easier if they have had one. "My mom has been divorced three times," said one wife. "She couldn't say a thing if I told her Mark and I weren't getting along and were going to file for divorce." But another spouse said, "My parents have been married for almost 50 years.  It almost killed them when my brother got divorced. If I were unhappy in my marriage (which I'm not) I'd have to wait until they died before I got divorced. I just wouldn't have the courage to tell them we were splitting."

LIVE IN RURAL AREAS

About 20 percent of our population live in rural areas. And those who do tend to have marriages that last when compared with those who live in cities. The reason is similar to the parents-staying-married issue. People in rural areas tend to be conservative, churchgoing people. While they have heard about the fast lane, they don't travel in it. And if they did consider divorce, they would have to face everyone in the community. Although none of the main characters on "The Andy Griffith Show" are married, if they were, getting divorced would be very difficult in Mayberry.   Imagine the ridicule Barney Fife would be subjected to if he and Thelma Lou were to divorce.

In large metropolitan centers, there is tremendous anonymity. No one knows who you are or what you do and they generally don't care. Getting divorced in New York or Chicago (in contrast to Opelika, Alabama) would go unnoticed. Without the watchful, disapproving eye of others, divorce is easier to do.

HIGHER EDUCATION LEVEL

Spouses in marriages that last also have more education than spouses who divorce. In order to be educated, one usually delays marriage. And we already know that the older one is at the time of marriage, the lower the chance of divorce.

Education also helps to keep spouses together by increasing their income. The idea that the more you learn, the more you earn is true. The annual median income of a person who completes high school is $36,055.  But for the person who completes college the figure is $72,284. Although money does not ensure happiness or stability, it does help insulate the partners from the frustrations of worrying about where the next meal is coming from. 

BEING WHITE

When the marriages of white spouses are compared with those of black spouses, the divorce rate among blacks is higher. Since black couples tend to have younger marriages, less education, more premarital pregnancies, and more parental divorces than white couples, a higher divorce rate is not surprising. 

And blacks are exposed to pressure unknown to most whites. One black spouse said:

They cut off expectations. I mean no matter how good you are, you will always be a [the n word]. Hey, that puts strains on people. I mean you can be smart, have a lot of bread, but you know that you will not be able to give your children or yourself an equal chance and this takes its toll. A lot of really good people have a lot on the ball, end up on dope, alcohol, or one thing or another. I mean everyone that I know has one of these problems because of this racist society. Let me tell you, I do not have any hope for the future.