Heartchoice.com: Helpful Articles: Myths about Marriage

It=s not the things we don=t know that hurt us. It=s the things we know that ain=t so.

Bill Lederer and Don Jackson write in The Mirages of Marriage that marriage is Alike taking an airplane to Florida for a relaxing vacation in January, and when you get off the plane you find you=re in the Swiss Alps. There is cold and snow instead of swimming and sunshine. After you buy winter clothes and learn how to talk a new foreign language, you can have just as good a vacation in the Swiss Alps as you can in Florida. But...it=s one hell of a surprise when you get off that marital airplane...@

Many people whose roles change from lover to spouse experience a rude awakening. Disillusioned, they sometimes feel marriage has turned an exciting love relationship into a deadening routine. Part of their disillusionment may be due to having had unrealistic expectations about marriage.

One of the reasons for being surprised by the actual experience of marriage is that the day-to-day living together in marriage occurs behind closed doors. And our assumptions about what actually happens behind those doors are often distortions of reality. Some of the more unrealistic beliefs our society perpetuates about marriage include the following.

Everyone has known married people who were bored, fought often, or who eventually divorced. Despite this, every bride and groom assume that their marriage will be different. AI feel sad when I look at other marriages,@ said a new bride. ASpouses seem so callous toward each other - like they don=t care for each other at all. I=m certain that such indifference will not happen to Kirk and me.@ Four years later this same bride and her husband were in marriage counseling. AI don=t know what happened,@ she said. AWe=ve been drifting apart for a long time. It worries me.@

The feeling prior to marriage that AIt won=t happen to me@ reflects the deceptive nature of courtship. If you are determined that your marriage will be different, what steps are you taking to ensure that it is? This question is relevant because many of those couples who enter marriage believing that theirs will be different blindly imitate the marriage patterns of others instead of making a conscious effort to manage their own relationship so as to make it as fulfilling as they desire.

ALOVE WILL KEEP US TOGETHER@

AIf people knew how we felt about each other, they would know that our relationship could weather anything,@ said an engaged man. Notice that the motivation for working things out with the partner is love. But little attention is ever given to where feelings of love come from or what makes them continue.

Dr. Jack Turner, a clinical psychologist, says AThe good feelings between two people in an interpersonal relationship - love, affection, intimacy - are based on Aan exchange of behaviors at a rate and of a kind that is mutually satisfying.@ In essence, love will keep you and your partner together only as long as the behaviors that engender love continue at the desired frequency. If they do not continue, you ( and your partner) may seek someone else who offers the desired behaviors at a higher rate. AAlthough that=s really a mechanical explanation of love,@ said one spouse, Awhen she stopped saying and doing positive things I found that my love for her began to fade.@

AWE WILL MAKE EACH OTHER HAPPY@

Many spouses believe that they alone are responsible for each other=s happiness. AWhen my husband committed suicide,@ one woman recalled, AI couldn=t help but think that if I had been the right kind of wife he would still be alive. But I=ve come to believe that there was more to his depression than just me. He wasn=t happy with his work and had taken a real beating in the stock market.@

While you and your partner will be a tremendous influence on each other=s happiness, each of you has roles (employee, parent, sibling, friend, son, or daughter) beyond the role of spouse. And these other role relationships will color the interaction with your mate. If you=ve lost your job or flunked out of school, and your brother has cancer, and your closest friend moves away, and your mother, who can no longer look after herself, resists going into a nursing home, it will be almost impossible for your spouse to Amake you happy.@ In other words, while a spouse may make every effort to ensure a partner=s, circumstances can defeat him or her.

AOUR DISAGREEMENTS WILL NOT BE SERIOUS@

Although many couples acknowledge that they will have disagreements, they assume that theirs will be minor and Ajust part of being married.@ Unresolved conflict that can threaten the marriage is rarely considered, and both partners are shocked when such conflict surfaces. AAll I wanted was for him to spend more time with me,@ recalled a divorced woman. ABut he said he had to run the business because he couldn=t trust anyone else. I got tired of spending my evenings alone and got involved with someone else.@

Every unresolved issue has the potential to threaten the marriage. It is helpful to think of the bride and groom as getting a little red wagon on their wedding day. And into their wagon go stones - the problems of their relationship. If they do not unload the wagon - that is, face up to and resolve the problems - the wagon becomes heavy and difficult to pull. Finally the weight becomes unbearable, and the partners stop pulling. The marriage ends in divorce. Then the former partners enter into new marriages and get new wagons, which begin to fill up with new stones.

ACHILDREN WILL MAKE OUR MARRIAGE EVEN HAPPIER@

Just as we have been socialized to believe that getting married is part of being an adult, we also tend to believe that having children is part of being married. We have been taught that children are a sign of the love between a woman and a man and that children make them happier. But some research suggests the opposite is true. While having children may increase the personal happiness of the respective spouses, children tend to decrease marital happiness. This is a finding by Dr. Harold Feldman in a variety of studies at Cornell University. Marriages are happiest before children come and after they leave home.

Every individual has certain needs. These range from needing someone to see movies with to needing someone to talk to about personal problems. And while it is encouraging to believe that your partner can satisfy all your intellectual, physical, and emotional needs, it is not realistic. You now have an array of friendships and acquaintances who help meet your different needs, and the pattern of having your needs met by a variety of people is likely to continue after marriage.

The need for intimacy is met by a combination of intimate relationships rather than by one individual. This is not to deny the importance of a central relationship in one=s life; however, for an increasing number of individuals a combination of intimate relationships is the mechanism that enables them to meet or to approximate the meeting of their needs for close human contact and for intimate involvement.

In summary, it is probably unrealistic to believe that your marriage will be different, that love will keep you and your spouse together, that the happiness of each of you can be guaranteed by the other, that your disagreements will be minor, that children will increase your marital happiness, and that you can satisfy all your partner=s needs. A more realistic appraisal of marriage suggests that your marriage may be different, that love may keep you together, that you will be one important influence on your partner=s happiness, that your disagreements need not be major, that children may increase your marital happiness, and that you will be able to satisfy some of your partner=s needs. As this appraisal indicates, it is possible to be both realistic and positive about one=s future marriage.

Myths about Marriage	[ Close Window ]

MARRIAGE MYTHS It=s not the things we don=t know that hurt us. It=s the things we know that ain=t so. Unknown Bill Lederer and Don Jackson write in The Mirages of Marriage that marriage is Alike taking an airplane to Florida for a relaxing vacation in January, and when you get off the plane you find you=re in the Swiss Alps. There is cold and snow instead of swimming and sunshine. After you buy winter clothes and learn how to talk a new foreign language, you can have just as good a vacation in the Swiss Alps as you can in Florida. But...it=s one hell of a surprise when you get off that marital airplane...@ Many people whose roles change from lover to spouse experience a rude awakening. Disillusioned, they sometimes feel marriage has turned an exciting love relationship into a deadening routine. Part of their disillusionment may be due to having had unrealistic expectations about marriage. One of the reasons for being surprised by the actual experience of marriage is that the day-to-day living together in marriage occurs behind closed doors. And our assumptions about what actually happens behind those doors are often distortions of reality. Some of the more unrealistic beliefs our society perpetuates about marriage include the following. AOUR MARRIAGE WILL BE DIFFERENT@ Everyone has known married people who were bored, fought often, or who eventually divorced. Despite this, every bride and groom assume that their marriage will be different. AI feel sad when I look at other marriages,@ said a new bride. ASpouses seem so callous toward each other - like they don=t care for each other at all. I=m certain that such indifference will not happen to Kirk and me.@ Four years later this same bride and her husband were in marriage counseling. AI don=t know what happened,@ she said. AWe=ve been drifting apart for a long time. It worries me.@ The feeling prior to marriage that AIt won=t happen to me@ reflects the deceptive nature of courtship. If you are determined that your marriage will be different, what steps are you taking to ensure that it is? This question is relevant because many of those couples who enter marriage believing that theirs will be different blindly imitate the marriage patterns of others instead of making a conscious effort to manage their own relationship so as to make it as fulfilling as they desire. ALOVE WILL KEEP US TOGETHER@ AIf people knew how we felt about each other, they would know that our relationship could weather anything,@ said an engaged man. Notice that the motivation for working things out with the partner is love. But little attention is ever given to where feelings of love come from or what makes them continue. Dr. Jack Turner, a clinical psychologist, says AThe good feelings between two people in an interpersonal relationship - love, affection, intimacy - are based on Aan exchange of behaviors at a rate and of a kind that is mutually satisfying.@ In essence, love will keep you and your partner together only as long as the behaviors that engender love continue at the desired frequency. If they do not continue, you ( and your partner) may seek someone else who offers the desired behaviors at a higher rate. AAlthough that=s really a mechanical explanation of love,@ said one spouse, Awhen she stopped saying and doing positive things I found that my love for her began to fade.@ AWE WILL MAKE EACH OTHER HAPPY@ Many spouses believe that they alone are responsible for each other=s happiness. AWhen my husband committed suicide,@ one woman recalled, AI couldn=t help but think that if I had been the right kind of wife he would still be alive. But I=ve come to believe that there was more to his depression than just me. He wasn=t happy with his work and had taken a real beating in the stock market.@ While you and your partner will be a tremendous influence on each other=s happiness, each of you has roles (employee, parent, sibling, friend, son, or daughter) beyond the role of spouse. And these other role relationships will color the interaction with your mate. If you=ve lost your job or flunked out of school, and your brother has cancer, and your closest friend moves away, and your mother, who can no longer look after herself, resists going into a nursing home, it will be almost impossible for your spouse to Amake you happy.@ In other words, while a spouse may make every effort to ensure a partner=s, circumstances can defeat him or her. AOUR DISAGREEMENTS WILL NOT BE SERIOUS@ Although many couples acknowledge that they will have disagreements, they assume that theirs will be minor and Ajust part of being married.@ Unresolved conflict that can threaten the marriage is rarely considered, and both partners are shocked when such conflict surfaces. AAll I wanted was for him to spend more time with me,@ recalled a divorced woman. ABut he said he had to run the business because he couldn=t trust anyone else. I got tired of spending my evenings alone and got involved with someone else.@ Every unresolved issue has the potential to threaten the marriage. It is helpful to think of the bride and groom as getting a little red wagon on their wedding day. And into their wagon go stones - the problems of their relationship. If they do not unload the wagon - that is, face up to and resolve the problems - the wagon becomes heavy and difficult to pull. Finally the weight becomes unbearable, and the partners stop pulling. The marriage ends in divorce. Then the former partners enter into new marriages and get new wagons, which begin to fill up with new stones. ACHILDREN WILL MAKE OUR MARRIAGE EVEN HAPPIER@ Just as we have been socialized to believe that getting married is part of being an adult, we also tend to believe that having children is part of being married. We have been taught that children are a sign of the love between a woman and a man and that children make them happier. But some research suggests the opposite is true. While having children may increase the personal happiness of the respective spouses, children tend to decrease marital happiness. This is a finding by Dr. Harold Feldman in a variety of studies at Cornell University. Marriages are happiest before children come and after they leave home. AMY SPOUSE IS ALL I NEED@ Every individual has certain needs. These range from needing someone to see movies with to needing someone to talk to about personal problems. And while it is encouraging to believe that your partner can satisfy all your intellectual, physical, and emotional needs, it is not realistic. You now have an array of friendships and acquaintances who help meet your different needs, and the pattern of having your needs met by a variety of people is likely to continue after marriage. Dr. Carolynne Keiffer observed: The need for intimacy is met by a combination of intimate relationships rather than by one individual. This is not to deny the importance of a central relationship in one=s life; however, for an increasing number of individuals a combination of intimate relationships is the mechanism that enables them to meet or to approximate the meeting of their needs for close human contact and for intimate involvement. In summary, it is probably unrealistic to believe that your marriage will be different, that love will keep you and your spouse together, that the happiness of each of you can be guaranteed by the other, that your disagreements will be minor, that children will increase your marital happiness, and that you can satisfy all your partner=s needs. A more realistic appraisal of marriage suggests that your marriage may be different, that love may keep you together, that you will be one important influence on your partner=s happiness, that your disagreements need not be major, that children may increase your marital happiness, and that you will be able to satisfy some of your partner=s needs. As this appraisal indicates, it is possible to be both realistic and positive about one=s future marriage.
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