Earning an income is also associated with how the money is spent.  A bumper sticker reads, AThe person who makes the gold, makes the rules.@  In dual- earner families, this means that the wife who earns an income spends more money on housekeeping help and in eating out.  In effect she uses the money to reduce her Ahousework burden@.      

Money also provides women and men with the power to be independent. The higher a spouse's income, the more power that spouse has to leave the relationship. Indeed, some economically dependent unhappy wives may seek employment so that they can afford to leave.

Money translates into power not only between spouses but also in other family relationships. Parents use money to influence their children's decisions and behavior. For example, parents may threaten to withdraw their financial support from a son or daughter who they discover is cohabitating. And some divorced parents complain that their ex-spouse uses money to buy the affections of the children or to influence the children's preference concerning physical custody arrangements.

 

Security

Sophie Tucker said that she had been both rich and poor and that rich was better.  Without money, there is no security---either present or future. Money provides not only the medium of exchange for food, housing, and transportation but helps secure us against ill health for ourselves and our children.   Because medical care often depends on the ability to pay for it, our health is directly related to our financial resources. Money buys visits to the physician as well as food for a balanced diet and medications when we need it.  Economic insecurity is particularly prevalent among single parent families headed by women.

Women traditionally have worked in jobs where the hours are long and the pay is low giving them financial insecurity. While, increasingly, women are getting more advanced degrees and improving their job skills to command more money, marriage has been a quick conduit to economic security.

Anna Nicole Smith was in her 20s when she married J. Howard Marshall who was in his late 80s. Both before and after Marshall's death (at age 90), Smith was accused of marrying Marshall for his money. Although only Smith knows her motivations, Marshall had amassed a fortune---$725 million at its peak. Money represents security for many people. Oscar Wilde once said, "When I was young, I used to think that money was the most important thing in life; now that I am older, I know it is."

 

Love

To some individuals, money also means love. While admiring the engagement ring of her friend, a woman said, "What a big diamond! He must really love you." The assumption is that big diamond equals high price equals deep love.

Similar assumptions are often made when gifts are given or received. People tend to spend more money on presents for the people they love, believing that the value of the gift symbolizes the depth of their love. People receiving gifts may make the same assumption. "She must love me more than I thought," mused one man. "I gave her a CD for Christmas, but she gave me a CD player. I felt embarrassed." His feeling of embarrassment may be based on the idea that the woman loves him more than he loves her because she paid more for her gift to him than he did for his gift to her.

 

Conflict

Money can also be a source of conflict in relationships. Couples argue about what to spend money on (new car? vacation? pay off credit card?) and how much money to spend. One couple in marriage therapy reported that they argued over whether to buy orange juice that was fresh-squeezed or from concentrate. As noted earlier, conflicts over money in a relationship often signify conflict over power in that relationship.

Family conflicts over money sometimes surface when a parent dies. One older brother noted that his father's death resulted in all of his siblings' arguing over who was due how much. "It has splintered the otherwise close family completely," he remarked.

 

Borrowing money from parents is tricky.  Let=s look at lending money from the parents= view and ten guidelines spouses might consider in borrowing money from their parents.

 

BORROWING MONEY FROM PARENTS: THE PARENTS= VIEW

Most parents are very happy to give or lend money to their children.  AIt renews the parent-child connection and gives the parents a sense of being needed and able to help again,@ says Dr. James Keller, a family counselor who has worked with parents whose children have borrowed money from them.

Many parents agree.  One parent said, AWe love our children and miss them since they=ve moved away.  Lending them money makes us feel like we=re still helping them and that=s a feeling we enjoy.@

But some parents can=t or won=t lend their children money.  And it doesn=t mean that they don=t love their children.  Particularly parents nearing retirement or already on a fixed income, may find that while the retirement income they planned is there, it won=t buy what they expected.  So when their children ask them for money, they have mixed feelings.  They would like to help their children, but they feel they may need the money for their own survival and wish to avoid burdening their children later.

Some parents don=t want to encourage their children to become economically dependent.  They feel it is good training for their children to be economically self-sufficient.  So when their adult children ask for money they tell them that they don=t have any extra and try to change the subject.  Joan Crawford represents the extreme philosophy of not sharing economic resources with children--she left nothing of her estate to her children because she did not want them to depend on her money.  This philosophy is not unique.  The author of the best seller The Millionaire Next Door says that one of the worst things you can do is to economically support your children since doing so encourages economic dependence.  Hence, here we focus on lending, not giving money.

Beyond the issues of limited resources and not wanting to encourage dependency, most parents want to be fair.  When they have several children, they feel that if they lend money to one, they are obligated to lend money to their other children.  Some parents look at fairness in terms of equal distribution.  One parent said, AWe sent two of our children through college at a cost of over $100,000 each.  Our daughter didn=t want to go to college but preferred to get married and start her family.  We feel it is fair to give her an equal amount before we lend them more money.@

 

TEN GUIDELINES

AMost of the problems in borrowing money from parents result from the lack of an agreement or understanding about how the money is to be paid back,@ says Dr. Keller, who directed the Marriage and Family Therapy Program at Virginia Polytechnic Institute in Blacksburg, Virginia.  Dr. Keller noted that parents often feel exploited, used, and taken for a ride when their children don=t pay them back.  They may express this resentment by Ashaming their children into better judgment.@  One such parent chided his son that he Athrew the borrowed money away on a dangerous motorcycle.@  This comment angered the son and strained their relationship.

To ensure that borrowing money from parents is a good experience for both parents and children, the following guidelines should be considered;

 1. AValue the relationship with your parents over the money you need,@ says psychiatrist Dr. Robert Sammons.  AYour relationship with your parents is worth more than whatever money you might get from them.@  He recommends that if you feel borrowing money from your parents will strain or damage your relationship with them, don=t borrow..

2.  Confirm that borrowing money from parents and repaying them is a value held by each spouse.  One marriage relationship was strained when only one of the spouses felt that the money they borrowed from their parents should be paid back.

3.  Ask your parents directly for the money you want.  Avoid inducing guilt  or making them feel sorry for you.  While complaining about lack of money may induce sufficient feelings of discomfort in your parents for them to write you a check, they are likely to feel better about lending you money if you are open with your request.

4.  Tell your parents why you want the money--the reason should be one they approve of.  Money for education or for the down payment on a house or car is a are worthy cause for most parents.  If they are paying the piper, they have a right to know what they are buying.

5.  Clarify together if the money from your parents is a loan or a gift.  A loan is to be paid back, a gift is not.  But parents who give money may expect a return other than money.  AWe didn=t know until after Mom gave us the money,@ said one husband, Athat there were strings attached.  She put more pressure on us to visit and to have her visit us.  We enjoy her and it hasn=t been a problem, but I can see how such a problem could develop.@  Dr. Edwin Hartz, Professor Emeritus at Florida State University said:

  ALoving gestures expressed in services, visits, phone calls, letters and                          snapshots represent the real returns parents want when they lend their                        children money.@

6. Specify when the money will be paid back.  Borrowing money from parents should be treated like borrowing money from the bank.  The details should be specific.  And this includes when the money is to be returned.  Some children prefer to repay their parents in one lump sum, while others prefer to make monthly payments.  Still others prefer a combination. 

7. Don=t skip payments without discussing this issue with your parents.  If you find that you cannot meet a previously agreed date of repayment, tell your parents ahead of time.  Let them know that you need to skip one, two or more payments and discuss a new plan that is agreeable to both parties.  Parents usually appreciate the courtesy demonstrated by their children in alerting them to problems in repayment and are willing to renegotiate a repayment schedule.

8.  Take out term insurance.  To ensure that your parents are repaid in the unlikely event that you or your spouse should die before the loan is paid off, take out a decreasing term life insurance policy on the primary breadwinner.  AI=ve seen parents end up holding the sack on a $75,000 loan to their children,@ says Dr. Hartz who has counseled with parents and children for about 50 years.  AThis tragedy can be prevented by taking out an inexpensive term policy.@

 9.  Adopt your parents= perspective.  In borrowing money from parents, children need to ensure that the parents perceive the return on their investment as one which is fair.  ASo often,@ says Dr. Carl Ridley, Athe offspring look at the deal from the viewpoint of the money they get, not what the parents get in return.@  Dr. Ridley, a professor at the University of Arizona at Tucson, suggests empathizing with the parents= view to ensure that they are getting the return (financial, interpersonal, etc.) they want.

10.  Ask infrequently.  Most parents are willing to help their children, but they don=t want to encourage their children to became economically dependent.  Adult children should view asking their parents for money as something they do only on occasion.  AThey=ve never asked us for money unless they were desperate,@ said one parent.  AWhile we would give them money anytime they ask, we are secretly pleased that they are finding their own economic feet.@

While these guidelines will help to eliminate the potential problems in borrowing the money from parents, unforeseen problems can occur.  One daughter borrowed $20,000 from her parents for the down payment on a home for her family--husband, child, and one on the way.  She and her husband agreed to repay her parents $400 per month.  They did so for the first three years, but then divorced.  Since the wife was dependent on her husband to make the $400 monthly payments (and he was unwilling to continue to do so), she had to stop payments to her folks.  AI needed every cent of my teaching salary to pay our other bills.  I ended up selling the house to repay them, but they were without the money for two years.  While they were very understanding about my situation and told me not to worry, I felt bad not being able to do what was agreed.@

Such an example in which there are unforeseen problems in repayment is rare.  Even when they occur, parents are usually very gracious and willing to help.  The result of borrowing money from parents is usually positive for both parents and children.  Most parents feel good about lending the money, most children appreciate their generosity, and the relationship between the children and their parents is strengthened.  One young father said he had borrowed money from his dad to buy some stock.  AIt gave us something else we could talk about, and we were excited together when the stock went up.@

Since economic conditions are putting tremendous stress on young families to afford basic housing, transportation, and other needs, the economic connection between the generations will likely continue.  Shakespeare=s admonition, AFor loan oft loses both itself and friend@ suggests the importance of our treating such loans from parents responsibly.  Parents are often the best friends we have.  Borrowing money from them need not affect that relationship.

 

ALTERNATIVES TO BORROWING MONEY FROM PARENTS

Some may decide not to ask parents for money but to pursue other alternatives.   A second job  may be the answer when the problem is paying off a long-overdue debt,  financing  the birth of a child, or making some major purchase without resorting to applying for a loan or some other kind of credit.  But a second job has its drawbacks- it keeps husband and/or wife away from home and each other and practically eliminates a couple=s social life and any regular participation in leisure-time activities.  In general, a second job should be considered a short term -solution to an immediate and pressing financial problem; otherwise, the monetary advantages may eventually cancel out by the very real physical and social hardships it imposes.

Liquidating one=s assets may be another way out of an immediate financial bind-assuming, of course, that one has assets to liquidate.  Some lucky couples start out their married lives with gifts of stocks, bonds, silver, jewelry, antiques, works of art, etc., and these can all be sold.  One couple put the husband=s stamp collection up for sale on the Internet in order to finance the wife=s second year of medical school, and another who sold off all their wedding silver-which had been collecting dust in a closet during their five years of marriage-to help pay for the second car they desperately needed.  (As for second cars, many husbands and wives decide they need them less than they thought they did-or at least less than they need the money for some other, more urgent purpose.)  A third couple, heavily in debt, had a garage sale.  They ransacked their own house as well as the homes of both their parents for any and all salable items, put a sign out on the lawn (ABargains Galore@), and ended up several hundred dollars less in debt.

The problem with liquidating assets, of course, is that once they=re gone, they=re gone for good, and unless the couple strike it rich or find some real means permanently of increasing their income, the problems are only temporarily solved.

Making a conscious and consistent effort to reduce expenses is a longer-term solution.  Often, even those couples who at first feel they=ve already pared their expenses down to the dry, bare bone, find ways to further reduce their weekly cash outlay.  One woman gave up smoking; she ordinarily went through two packs a day, so the savings, calculated on a monthly basis, were significant.  Another couple decided they were overinsured and canceled all but their car and medical insurance policies.

Revising the budget, which is actually what cutting expenditures is all about, must be done jointly.  Husband and wife should sit down together for a brainstorming session to explore any and all dollar-stretching possibilities.  After figuring out how the money really gets spent, each should make a list of what he or she considers Aabsolutely necessary@ as well as Anice but not essential@ expenditures and start the paring-down process from there.  One couple, for example, whose passion was movies, could not bring themselves to give up their once-a-week treat, but by starting a neighborhood baby-sitting co-op (whereby several families agreed to swap evenings sitting with one another=s kids) and having their post-movie coffee and cake at home in their own kitchen instead of in a restaurant, as was their past habit, they whittled the cost of their nights down to the price of admission to the theater and the 50 cents or so worth of gas it took to get them there and back.

And then there=s the do-it-yourself method of reducing cash outlay.  Converting part of a backyard into a garden means fresh vegetables in the summer-and for only the price of a few packets of seeds.  (And with the time and cooperative energy spent in planting and tending a garden together, married people often find they are harvesting a lot of good, positive feelings about each other along with the carrots, tomatoes, beans, etc.)  If one has the space, and zoning laws permit it, raising chickens would not only cut down on the family food bills but provide extra cash through the sale of eggs and poultry might bring in some extra cash as well.  Women who sew with a modicum of skill can dress themselves and their children for approximately half what it would cost for ready-made clothing.  And a basic understanding of elementary carpentry, along with a working knowledge of the principles of plumbing and what makes such gadgets as television sets, automobile engines, power motors, toasters, washing machines, and, of course, clocks, tick, can stretch a meager budget a long way.