After exhausting all efforts to save our twenty-two-year marriage, my husband and I made a decision to divorce. Our two main objectives were the well-being of our children and the preservation of our family financial resources.

We accomplished both goals because we worked together instead of against each other. We saved thousands of dollars in legal fees, made important family decisions instead of letting strangers (lawyers) do so, and no one suffered emotionally or financially as a result.

You, too, can have a nondestructive, inexpensive divorce. Here’s our advice:

1. Your children must be your top priority. Children love both parents. Adults must accept this. Never play one against the other.

2. Minimize the involvement of professionals, extended family members, and friends. The only people who have to like the choices are the spouses and the children. Only you know what works best for you. No one else has to like it; and remember everything is negotiable. Stand firm on this.

3. Joint custody and house sharing—it’s legal to be different.

We agreed on joint custody. We modified the standard joint custody arrangement by house sharing. We had our house, and we leased an apartment, and every Sunday at 6 P.M. instead of the children switching residences, the parents switched off between the house and the apartment. This way the children stayed in their home, which provided much more stability. This gave each parent equal opportunity to be fully present in the children’s lives, plus during the one parent’s week off, there was an opportunity for that parent to begin to get to know themselves again. All responsibility for raising the children was shared equally. We divided the costs fairly, based on our individual incomes.

4. Have family meetings to hear everyone’s concerns and desires.

Incorporate the input of each family member. Family members must feel safe to express themselves, without fear of criticism.

Each family member must be supportive and respectful of the others at all times. Listening is essential. Always be available for your children—no excuses.

We agreed on childrearing, joint custody, and division of property without the advice of lawyers, child support of cials, or well meaning family and friends. Together we designed our own new lives. We negotiated our own terms of divorce, along with how our children would be raised and who would pay for what, and our divorce cost us less than $500. Our family nest egg was kept in our family. We did this without written agreements. We were very determined to keep our money in our family. This required total trust.  Fortunately, we had that, and you can, too. If you feel a need for written agreements, you can write your own agreements, have them notarized and include them as part of your divorce decree that is .led with the courts. Keep it simple. Law firms charge hundreds of dollars to do what you can do yourself. Every time you call an attorney, it will cost you at least $100 to $200 an hour, and your nest egg disappears quickly.

The home and the family provide children with stability and foundation. Keeping them stable and secure is significant in how children learn to approach difficult issues in their own lives. If the adults are unstable, it is more difficult for the children to stabilize.  Our children’s lives changed very little through this adjustment in our family, because we worked together.

It takes more energy to conjure up negative and revengeful approaches than it does to simply handle business in a positive, mature manner. Your children are observing and learning from you.  Setting a healthy example is your gift to them.

You may discover in the end that even though you will no longer be married, by working together, your friendship with your ex-spouse will be strengthened, providing a continued stability for your children similar to the one they had within the family unit, and everyone still feels human.

Written for this text by Kathy Moyer.

Kathy Moyer and Matt, her former husband, with whom she parted on the best of terms.