Several months (or years) after the wedding, marriage changes the "I want to be around you all the time" theme.  In courtship, the partner was the interest; in marriage, the partner is one (although still very important) among other interests.  One wife remarked that her husband, an accountant, spends his late afternoons and weekends fishing.  "My problem is not another woman--it's walleye," she remarked.  Whether it is fishing, watching television, or working, it is not unusual for one or both spouses to become enthusiastically involved in activities which do not include the mate.  To many brides turned full-time wives, the cry, "He doesn't pay attention to me anymore," is among the loudest.  It doesn't have to a problem.

Developing interests of your own helps to keep you an interesting person and helps prevent you from demanding your partners constant attention.  Linda is a 27-year-old mother of one child.  "When Mark and I were in school we shared classes, movies, and cards.  In the five years since graduation, I noticed that Mark rarely talked to me and I missed the long discussions we had when dating.  Then I faced the depressing truth: I simply was not an interesting person.  Except for the comics in the newspaper, I hadn't read anything since college.  Mark agreed to hire a baby- sitter so I could take courses at the university."  The rule is simple: If you want your mate to be interested in you, be an interesting person--do something.

One familiar question about marriage partners is  "What do they have in common?"  In addition to developing interests of your own to keep you an interesting person, cultivate leisure interests you can share.  "Mike has golf," Anna observes, "and I like bridge, but on Sundays we make sure we plan something together."  Dr. Dennis Orthner of the University of North Carolina at Greensboro observed that jointly sharing leisure activities is positively related to marital satisfaction for both husbands and wives.

The key to changes having a positive effect on your relationship is to try and grow with your partner rather than away from him or  her.  "Shawn doesn't share my interest in astrology. He thinks it is spooky and nonsense.  But he buys books for me on the subject.  I really appreciate that and love him for it," remarked Christa.

 

HE WORKS ALL THE TIME; I NEVER SEE HIM.

"Just call me Jim's widow," remarked Carol, who has been married four years.  "He leaves early in the morning, and except for the 20 minutes he's home for supper, I don't see him.  He owns his own interior design firm, and I"m proud of him, but I resent his spending all his time at work or recuperating."  As one commentator on marriage expressed it, "Husbands have trouble with their jobs, and wives have trouble with their husbands."  This statement implies that the lover-turned-husband tends to shift his interest from his fiancee-turned-wife to his job.

In courtship, the male does not experience pressure to make money and get ahead.  As a husband, he feels the full weight of society's expectations.  He sometimes responds to these expectations by spending long hours at his job and rationalizes that it is to ensure his family's financial success.  The result is less time together and a feeling on the part of the wife, "Your work is more important than I am."

With the emergence of new roles for women, becoming absorbed in pursuing a career is not unique to husbands.  "My wife is the owner of a flower shop," reflected a grade-school teacher, "and has made it clear that Saturday is her busiest day.  I am learning to play golf to fill the time we could be together.  I don't like it."  The disappointment spouses feel when their lives are absorbed by their careers is unnecessary.  It doesn=t have to be that way. 

If your career cuts into your time together, schedule that time.  Plan to spend one night during the week and one night during the weekend alone with your partner, away from your apartment/house.  Insisting upon time together despite pressures of the job allows you to continue sharing your lives with each other.

And this procedure also helps to reduce the time drain of children on your relationship.  In a study of 102 first-time fathers, the researchers observed that getting a baby-sitter and going out with each other helped the couple to reexperience the positive aspects of their relationship.  Those couples who did not spend time together away from their baby reported less marital satisfaction.  "It's a simple trick," said one father, "but it works."

 

HE'S NOT THE MAN I MARRIED

Aside from experiencing a shift in focus from spouse to other interests and career, the partner may have changed values.  "Hal went to church with me every Sunday when we were dating.  After we had been married a few years, he quit and said, "I don't get anything out of it anymore," said one wife.  Although we do not anticipate that our own or our partner's values will change, frequently both do.  And these value changes often cause spouses to long for their premarriage days when their values were more similar.  It doesn=t have to be that way.

Whether your value changes are in reference to sex, drugs, religion, or whatever, there should be only one primary value for your marriage--your partner.  As long as this remains so, you and your partner will be committed to a constant " dialogue as Dr. Sydney Jourard expressed it.  "Dialogue" means a process of sharing your changing self with your changing partner.  The late professor of psychology observed, "Change is not so much a threat as it is the fruit of a good marriage. Marriage is for growth, for life."

Not allowing yourself or encouraging your partner to continually reassess various ideas and beliefs results in a predictable, stagnant relationship.  Karen is a 33-year-old woman in a child-free marriage.  Aware that value changes are inevitable and often lead to disagreements with her husband, she said, "But if we never changed or disagreed about anything, something would be wrong with one of us."

 

WE ALWAYS ARGUE ABOUT MONEY.

The societal context of consumerism and easy credit sometimes leads many couples to view as necessities such expensive items as color televisions, stereos, and the luxury, fully-equipped apartment.  Thus, many young couples soon find that they must make financial compromises or that credit, and debt, is the number one enemy of the family budget.

Ben, a young husband and insurance salesman making a respectable income, tells a story of credit woes that is similar to that of hundreds of other young couples: "I didn't know how deep in debt we were," marveled Ben, Auntil we received notices that our Visa and Master charge cards were being withdrawn.  My wife and I ended up blaming each other for overspending.  It was a real problem."

Since debt and budget problems respect no income or social class, every newly married couple should work out a budget--on paper.  Until a budget is truly formalized in this fashion, it is virtually impossible to determine and to reduce unnecessary expenditures.

The first step in preparing a budget is, of course, to identify your total monthly income (actual take-home pay).  Then add up the fixed expenses (rent, utilities, etc.) and the flexible expenses (food, clothing, etc.).  Be sure to include monthly estimates of such quarterly or semiannual expenditures as premiums for life, health, and car insurance.  The next step is to analyze income and expenses and to set goals and priorities.  These should reflect both short- and long-term financial needs and desires.  That is, is it more important that you take a weekend trip or should you consider saving for that washing machine?

After establishing such a budget, shop wisely and use credit carefully.

 

SEX IS BORING

Before marriage, sex may have been enriched by its "forbidden fruit" or exploratory quality.  The routine of marriage can, but need not, create a lack of enthusiasm for sex in one or both of the partners.

Assuming that the lack of interest in intercourse is not an expression of anger toward the mate, it is often helpful to switch roles.  If the wife has been less interested in sex (it could just as well be the husband), this implies that the husband has been the initiator when intercourse has occurred.  Even though she may at first feel somewhat reluctant, the wife might take the aggressive role and approach her husband for intercourse.  By placing herself in a situation wherein she must demonstrate more interest in sex, she is likely to "feel" more interest in sex.  This is based on a principle of behavioral psychology which says that it is easier to act oneself into a new way of thinking than to think oneself into a new way of acting.

And, the less interested partner may choose to take the initiative in altering some aspect of the sexual ritual to add variety and excitement.

 

MY IN-LAWS ARE ALWAYS AROUND

The vast repertoire of jokes which surround a married couple's relationship with in-laws bears witness to the fact that problems with in-laws are among the more common sources of friction in young marriages.  When either spouse does what the parent wants rather than what the mate wants, the consequences for the marriage may be severe.

For example, a 25-year-old legal secretary wanted her widowed mother to vacation with her and her husband.  When the husband refused, the wife became angry and accusatory, "If you don't love my mother, you don't love me!"  But he retaliated, "If you loved me and cared about our marriage, you wouldn't load your mother in on us."  The result was that the angry spouses wound up taking separate vacations--the husband alone, the wife with her mother.

To avoid destroying a marriage over a parent or in-law, it is important to weigh the long-term consequences of such actions.  In choosing the parent, you may fulfill filial obligations and reduce potential guilt feelings over not doing so.  But, from a wider viewpoint, you may face life without your partner.  And, although the choice of spouse over parent may cause some initial hurt feelings on the part of the parents, in the long run the concerned parents may become more tolerant because they want their child to have a committed (and happy) marriage.

In short, choosing the spouse over the parent or in-law has more positive long term-consequences.

 

ALCOHOL IS A PROBLEM

A person may be considered to have a problem with alcohol if drinking  interferes with his or her economic, social, or physical well-being.  In other words, when it impedes one's ability to get or keep a job, when it disrupts interpersonal relationships, when there are actual physical consequences--weight loss, headaches, agitation, confusion, hallucinations, gastrointestinal inflammation, and liver disorders--drinking is a problem.

As you may know, alcohol is not a stimulant but a depressant, which acts on the cortical center of the brain, reducing anxiety and producing a temporary feeling of well-being.  Despite the many and varied explanations offered to account for the cause of alcoholism, there is little evidence to indicate a chemical, genetic, or physiological base.  Therefore, no one is locked into an uncontrollable drinking pattern because of inheritance.  Another rather interesting fact: the effect of alcohol varies according to the amount consumed (obviously), its proof level, the presence of food in the stomach, the rate at which it is consumed, and the weight of the consumer.  A thin person with no food in his stomach, gulping down a quart of 100-proof whiskey will experience a reaction quite different from that of a heavy person with a full stomach, who nurses a fifth of 80-proof whiskey over a six-hour period.

There are several specific and objective signals that spell out the existence or the beginnings of alcoholism.  Anyone who engages in all, or some, of the following drinking behaviors should acknowledge the fact that drinking is a problem and take steps to control it:

1.  Morning drinking.  Do you or your partner begin the day with alcohol?

2.  Solitary drinking.  Do you or your partner spend much time drinking

     alone?

3.  Absenteeism.  Do you or your partner tend to skip work on a Monday

     after a weekend brimful of alcohol?

4.  Blackouts.  Do they occur?  Do you or your partner experience loss of

     memory after a drinking bout?

5.  Binges.  Do you or your partner drink for long periods of time and/or

     stay drunk for several days on end?

6.  Anxiety, obliteration.  Do you or your partner automatically reach for the

     bottle in stressful or frustrating situations, or when social relationships become strained?

One cannot begin to extinguish problem drinking behaviors without first acknowledging that the problems do in fact exist.  Neither can one begin a treatment program unless one has decided unequivocally that nondrinking is a positive, worthwhile goal.  Finally, when one partner has a drinking problem while the other does not, the nondrinking spouse must observe and perhaps modify his or her behavior to make sure that it does not help perpetuate the other's drinking.  The wife who continues to criticize her husband for being a "drunken louse" when he has successfully refrained for a week, may be the very factor that drives him straight back to the bottle.  Nondrinking partners must encourage and praise their spouses for demonstrating control and at the same time do everything within their power to ignore drinking behaviors when and if they recur.

Assuming the problem is acknowledged, then, and that a decision has been made to take steps to control it--and also that one=s partner is anxious to cooperate--one is ready to do something about it.   This involves first consulting with a therapist trained in treating alcoholism.  The specific program may vary according to the individual and the therapist, but the problem drinker can expect some or all of the following to enter into the program.

1.  Detoxification: This is the process by which alcohol is cleared from the system.  The person who has been drinking for several days or weeks will need detoxification and a 10 to 15 day stay at a detoxification center may be suggested.

2.  Antabuse (Disulfiram): Usually in pill form, Antabuse (which is administered only under the direction of a physician) causes a violent physical reaction--vomiting, flushing, rapid pulse and breathing, pain around the heart--if drinking occurs within ten days after ingestion.  Because it results in such severe negative consequences, Antabuse encourages the development of nondrinking behavior patterns.

3.  Alcoholics Anonymous: A therapist may encourage the problem drinker to join this well-known organization.  AA groups are available nationwide to help an individual overcome alcoholism.  The program is based on the belief that a former alcoholic is the best person to help another drinker with his/her problem.  Each new nondrinking friend may be called upon for support and encouragement whenever the urge to drink is felt.  Frequent meetings provide attritional social support for not drinking.

4.  Other procedures: Some people have negative feelings about A.A.  because of the religiosity of its approach and/or because its stated goal for its members is that they stop drinking forever.

While A.A. may be the best and only solution for some, many therapists are investigating the usefulness of training the individual to control drinking rather than to think in terms of total lifetime abstinence.  When total abstinence is the treatment goal, "one little drink" becomes the source of enormous guilt and disappointment, often creating the additional anxiety and feelings of defeatism ("I just don't have what it takes") that send the drinker off on another binge.

Some therapists utilize a method that helps to develop controlled drinking behaviors by teaching the individual to recognize when the alcohol in his or her blood reaches a certain level--at which point he or  she stops drinking.

In summary, marriage is an ever-changing relationship between ever-changing people.  Anticipating and coping with those changes as they present themselves will help to assure that both partners in the marriage grow in the same direction and that the marriage grows in strength and in responsiveness to the needs of the individuals involved.

 

JEALOUSY       

Some husbands and wives feel threatened when their mates look at, talk to, and dance with other people at parties.

Tom, off in a corner nursing a drink by himself, thinks: "Mary dances with me as though I'm an old shoe, or something, but she certainly doesn=t seem to mind cuddling up to Roger."  He meets Mary's glance with a glare.

Tom's jealous behavior which by implication accuses Mary of more interest in Roger than she should have may actually increase the number of times Mary dances with Roger.  People often do what they are expected to do.  If Tom  expects Mary to spend most of her time with other men at parties, she probably will.

The following guidelines may be helpful when you and your partner want to encourage behavior indicative of trust:

1.  Make Verbal Expressions of Commitment: Husbands and wives want to hear their partners say, "I love you."  Say it.  But say it on the way to the party when your partner is not engaging in jealous behavior.  For Mary to respond to Tom=s jealous accusations with reassurances of her affection is, in fact, to reward and encourage Tom to be jealous more often.

2.  Engage in Behaviors That Indicate Trust: Partners who trust each other do not feel threatened when their mates pay attention to others.  As a wife, you might indicate trust in your husband by calling his attention to some particularly beautiful woman, to her voluptuous figure, her flawless complexion, or her glamorous hair.  As a husband, you might point out to your wife an especially attractive and well-dressed man.  In the above scenario, Tom might actually point out to Mary a particularly good looking man at the party.  When you encourage your partner to enjoy looking at others, you are acting like a trusting mate, and by acting like one, you may come to feel like one.

3.  Balance Time Together and Apart at Parties: One way to avoid the feeling of "I didn't see my partner for the whole party" is to mutually agree that, minute for minute, you will spend as much time with your partner as you spend with others.  If you dance three dances with your spouse, you would spend three dances "away," and vice versa.  This agreement assures that your spouse gets equal time.

 

 THE DEPENDENT SPOUSE

One partner's utter dependency on the other almost always leads to unhappiness for both.  (For our purposes here, the overly dependent spouse may be defined as one who becomes depressed and unable to function when absent from his/her partner.)  In regard to recreation, the overly dependent spouse has no very well-defined interests of his/her own and demands the constant time and attention of the partner.

"I feel more like his mother than his wife," says the mate of an overdependent husband.  "He won't go anywhere or do anything without me.  Last year I wanted to take a night school course, but he acted as though I were deserting him forever.  So I didn't."

The husband of an overdependent wife says: "She's like a parasite.  She expects me to be her constant companion, to keep her always entertained and happy, and heaven help me if I want to go to a football game or something."

Relationships such as these often can be improved, sometimes enormously so, when the dependent partner is encouraged to develop recreational interests of his/her own.  The following suggestions may help:

1.  Identify a Possible New Interest:  Each one of us is endowed with the potential for enjoying a number of different activities.  They only need to be identified and cultivated.  The dependent partner should make up a list of possible new interests.  Just for starters, it might be helpful to think back to the days before marriage and try to remember how one enjoyed spending one's time then.  Such a list might include sports, either new ones or those in which a certain proficiency was established during high school or college, membership in a health club or gym or the local Y, learning (or perhaps relearning) a musical instrument, collecting (stamps, books, records, antiques, etc.), arts and theater group, book discussion group or amateur choral society, classes in painting, photography, dance, yoga, etc.

2.  Make a Commitment: Choose from the list of possible new interests the activity with the strongest immediate appeal and then make a commitment to explore that interest for a period of at least six months.  Agreeing with yourself to only do things you regularly do AFTER you do the new thing can be a big help with the follow-through of making the commitment.  Jed, for example, might make an agreement with himself that he will read the Sunday papers (or eat desserts, or use the phone, or whatever) only if he actually does join the Y and use the pool once a week.  Or Sally, who has decided to learn to play the piano, might make the rule with herself that she will make weekly visits to the hairdresser only after she has practiced her piano lessons.