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First, you may not be able to get along with your
ex-partner. A good relationship requires the cooperation of both partners. If
your ex isn’t interested in getting along with you, it won’t happen. What you
can do is to stay in control of how you react to your ex-partner. This is the
salvation of your relationship with your ex. You can be at peace with or without
your ex.
Yes, ex-partners can create havoc with your relationship
with your children, frustrate your finances, and bad-mouth you in the community.
Their doing so only confirms the value of your no longer being married to this
person. Rejoice. But also do what you can to not escalate the conflict with your
ex. This translates into being cooperative when your ex needs you to switch
weekends, being on time when you are to deliver or to pick up the children, and
always being on time with your financial agreements/responsibilities.
Getting along with your ex-partner also implies keeping
focused on why it is important to do so. Nothing is more valuable to the
adjustment of your children as they experience your divorce than that you get
along with their mother/father. You don’t need to be the best of buddies with
your ex; but you do need to have as civil a relationship as possible. Something specific you can do to help nurture a positive
relationship with your ex is to never speaking negatively of her or him to your
children. Doing so not only shows disrespect for your children’s mother/father,
but can be devastating to your relationship with your ex. Daddy said you were
the cause of the divorce, said to an ex-wife by her children will haunt the
ex-husband forever. Do not speak ill of your ex-partner. In those cases where your relationship with your ex is
already shaky, minimize the time you spend talking with them. Ex-spouses on the
edge with each other are vulnerable to exploding and getting into an abusive
verbal exchange with each other. Avoid such an encounter at all costs. Make your
contacts infrequent and brief. Use polite written notes when necessary to
communicate. For example, when you need to switch weekends, rather than call and
ask, write a brief note such as the following: Since I need to be out of town on
and cannot be available to be with the children, would you consider switching
the weekend of the with me? Your ex may still say no but you are much less
likely to get into a heated exchange on the phone if you communicate in
writing. In summary, no other factor is more important to the
adjustment of your children to your divorce than the relationship you have with
their mother/father. It is not divorce but a bitter and hostile relationship
with your ex-partner that will damage your children. Get along with your ex and
make doing so as important as maintaining a positive relationship with your
children. You, your children, your ex, and society all win by your efforts to
accomplish this goal.
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