A recently engaged couple gazes directly into each others' eyes across the table in a restaurant overlooking the Atlantic. So intent are they on each other's every word, facial expression, and gesture they seem oblivious to the rest of the world. For the moment, nothing exists but the two of them. When the waiter brings the check, they seem pained to take their eyes and attention away from each other. She is his world; he is hers; all else is distraction.
Across the room, a middle-aged couple sits idly stirring their drinks. The husband is looking out the window; the wife is looking intently at the aquarium near the bar. Only occasionally do they look directly at each other. Finally, obviously bored, the wife takes out her lipstick, applies a fresh coat and motions that it is time to go. They leave as they entered- like strangers.
"Your relationship changes after you get married" mused Kathy, a wife and mother of two children. "The idea that things would be different in marriage I always thought would be true of other couples--not Bob and me. I was wrong."
Every person who has changed from lover to spouse knows that marriage is different. But these changes are common to most married couples and need not turn an exciting love relationship into a deadening routine. Several of the more common problems married couples experience and practical ways of resolving them follow.
“My partner doesn’t pay attention to me”
Before marriage the partners have one primary interest--each other. Cuddling, smiling, and gazing into each other's eyes for long periods of time encourage each to feel that she or he is the only interest of the partner. Few things are more important than spending time with one's fiancée: If there is a conflict between spending time with one's partner or doing something else, the assumption is that the partner would rather be with the fiancé.
Several months (or years) after the wedding, marriage changes the "I want to be around you all the time" theme. In courtship, the partner was the interest; in marriage, the partner is one (although still very important) among other interests. One wife remarked that her husband, an accountant, spends his late afternoons and weekends fishing. "My problem is not another woman--it's walleye," she remarked. Whether it is fishing, watching television, or working, it is not unusual for one or both spouses to become enthusiastically involved in activities which do not include the mate. To many brides turned full-time wives, the cry, "He doesn't pay attention to me anymore," is among the loudest. Lack of attention from the spouse does not have to a problem.
First keep your expectations realistic. The technical term for spouses losing interest in each other is satiation- a stimulus loses its value with repeated exposure. This means that individuals tire of anything or anyone over time. This is no cause for alarm, only the need to be aware what is happening. Some things to do include:
- Developing interests of your own to keep you an interesting person and help prevent you from demanding your partner’s constant attention.
- Develop a common interest. One couple got into a dance club where they go every week to learn new dance routines and dance competitively.
- Compliment your partner. Spouses never tire of being appreciated by their partner.
- Avoid negative statements. Spouses hate to be criticized. Avoid saying ANYTHING negative to your spouse.
- Spend time alone. If you have children, get a babysitter, go out to dinner, see a movie….engage I alone time with your spouse.
“My spouse works all the time- I never see him or her.”
"Just call me Jim's widow," remarked Carol, who has been married four years. "He leaves early in the morning, and except for the 20 minutes he's home for supper, I don't see him. He owns his own interior design firm, and I’m proud of him, but I resent his spending all his time at work or recuperating." As one commentator on marriage expressed it, "Husbands have trouble with their jobs, and wives have trouble with their husbands." This statement implies that the lover-turned-husband tends to shift his interest from his fiancée-turned-wife to his job.
With the equality of women’s roles, becoming absorbed in pursuing a career is not unique to husbands. "My wife is the owner of a flower shop," reflected a grade-school teacher, "and has made it clear that Saturday is her busiest day. The disappointment spouses feel when they say “my spouse works too much”, doesn’t have to be a problem.
If your career cuts into your time together, schedule time together. Plan to spend one night during the week and one night during the weekend alone with your partner, away from your apartment/house. Insisting upon time together despite pressures of the job allows you to continue sharing your lives with each other.
“My spouse is not the person I married.”
Aside from experiencing a shift in focus from spouse to other interests and career, the partner may have changed values. "Hal went to church with me every Sunday when we were dating. After we had been married a few years, he quit and said, "I don't get anything out of it anymore," said one wife. Although we do not anticipate that our own or our partner's values will change, frequently both do. And these value changes often cause spouses to feel “my spouse has changed”- it doesn’t have to be that way.
Whether your value changes are in reference to sex, drugs, religion, or whatever, there should be only one primary value for your marriage--your partner. "Change is not so much a threat as it is the fruit of a good marriage. Marriage is for growth, for life" noted the famous psychologist Sydney Jourard. Embrace the change in your spouse, change with them.
Not allowing yourself or encouraging your partner to continually reassess various ideas and beliefs results in a predictable, stagnant relationship. Karen is a 33-year-old woman in a child-free marriage. Aware that value changes are inevitable and often lead to disagreements with her husband, she said, "But if we never changed or disagreed about anything, something would be wrong with one of us."
“We always argue about money”
The societal context of unemployment, the recession and housing foreclosures have resulted in money problems in marriage for many couples. Since debt and budget problems respect no income or social class, every married couple should work out a budget--on paper. Until a budget is truly formalized in this fashion, it is virtually impossible to determine and to reduce unnecessary expenditures.
The first step in preparing a budget is, of course, to identify your total monthly income (actual take-home pay). Then add up the fixed expenses (rent, utilities, etc.) and the flexible expenses (food, clothing, etc.). Be sure to include monthly estimates of such quarterly or semiannual expenditures such as premiums for life, health, and car insurance. The next step is to analyze income and expenses and to set goals and priorities. These should reflect both short- and long-term financial needs and desires. That is, is it more important that you take a weekend trip or should you consider saving for that washing machine?
After establishing such a budget, shop wisely and use credit carefully.
“Sex is boring”
Before marriage, sex may have been enriched by its new and exploratory quality. The routine of marriage can, but need not, create a lack of enthusiasm for sex in one or both of the partners.
Assuming that the lack of interest in intercourse is not an expression of anger toward the mate, it is often helpful to switch roles. If the wife has been less interested in sex (it could just as well be the husband), this implies that the husband has been the initiator when intercourse has occurred. Even though she may at first feel somewhat reluctant, the wife might take the aggressive role and approach her husband for intercourse. By placing herself in a situation wherein she must demonstrate more interest in sex, she is likely to "feel" more interest in sex. This is based on a principle of behavioral psychology which says that it is easier to act oneself into a new way of thinking than to think oneself into a new way of acting.
“My in-laws are driving me crazy.”
The vast repertoire of jokes which surround a married couple's relationship with in-laws bears witness to the fact that problems with in-laws do occur. When either spouse does what the parent wants rather than what the mate wants, the consequences for the marriage may be severe.
For example, a 25-year-old legal secretary wanted her widowed mother to vacation with her and her husband. When the husband refused, the wife became angry and accusatory, "If you don't love my mother, you don't love me!" But he retaliated, "If you loved me and cared about our marriage, you wouldn't load your mother in on us." The result was that the angry spouses wound up taking separate vacations--the husband alone, the wife with her mother.
To avoid destroying a marriage over a parent or in-law, it is important to weigh the long-term consequences of such actions. In choosing the parent, you may fulfill filial obligations and reduce potential guilt feelings over not doing so. But, from a wider viewpoint, you may face life without your partner. And, although the choice of spouse over parent may cause some initial hurt feelings on the part of the parents, in the long run the concerned parents may become more tolerant because they want their child to have a committed (and happy) marriage.
In short, choosing the spouse over the parent or in-law has more positive long term-consequences.
“Alcohol is a problem.”
A person may be considered to have a problem with alcohol if drinking interferes with his or her economic, social, or physical well-being. In other words, when it impedes one's ability to get or keep a job, when it disrupts interpersonal relationships, when there are actual physical consequences--weight loss, headaches, agitation, confusion, hallucinations, gastrointestinal inflammation, and liver disorders--drinking is a problem.
Alcohol is not a stimulant but a depressant, which acts on the cortical center of the brain, reducing anxiety and producing a temporary feeling of well-being. Despite the many and varied explanations offered to account for the cause of alcoholism, there is little evidence to indicate a chemical, genetic, or physiological base. Therefore, no one is locked into an uncontrollable drinking pattern because of inheritance. The effect of alcohol varies according to the amount consumed (obviously), its proof level, the presence of food in the stomach, the rate at which it is consumed, and the weight of the consumer. A thin person with no food in his/her stomach, gulping down a quart of 100-proof whiskey will experience a reaction quite different from that of a heavy person with a full stomach, who has two drinks of 80-proof Vodka over a three-hour period.
There are several signs of alcoholism:
- Morning drinking. Do you or your partner begin the day with alcohol?
- Solitary drinking. Do you or your partner spend much time drinking alone?
- Absenteeism. Do you or your partner tend to skip work on a Monday after a weekend brimful of alcohol?
- Blackouts. Do they occur? Do you or your partner experience loss of memory after a drinking bout?
- Binges. Do you or your partner drink for long periods of time and/or stay drunk for several days on end?
- Anxiety, obliteration. Do you or your partner automatically reach for the bottle in stressful or frustrating situations, or when social relationships become strained?
One cannot begin to extinguish problem drinking behaviors without first acknowledging that the problems exist. Neither can one begin a treatment program unless one has decided unequivocally that nondrinking is a positive, worthwhile goal. Finally, when one partner has a drinking problem while the other does not, the nondrinking spouse might encourage and praise their spouse for demonstrating control and at the same time do everything within their power to ignore drinking behaviors when and if they recur.
Assuming the problem is acknowledged, then, and that a decision has been made to take steps to control it, the problem drinker can expect some or all of the following to enter into the program.
- Detoxification: This is the process by which alcohol is cleared from the system. The person who has been drinking for several days or weeks will need detoxification and a 10 to 15 day stay at a detoxification center may be suggested.
- Antabuse (Disulfiram): Usually in pill form, Antabuse (which is administered only under the direction of a physician) causes a violent physical reaction--vomiting, flushing, rapid pulse and breathing, pain around the heart--if drinking occurs within ten days after ingestion. Because it results in such severe negative consequences, Antabuse encourages the development of nondrinking behavior patterns.
- Alcoholics Anonymous: A therapist may encourage the problem drinker to join this well-known organization. AA groups are available nationwide to help an individual overcome alcoholism. The program is based on the belief that a former alcoholic is the best person to help another drinker with his/her problem. Each new nondrinking friend may be called upon for support and encouragement whenever the urge to drink is felt. Frequent meetings provide attritional social support for not drinking.
- Other Procedures: Some people have negative feelings about A.A. because of the religiosity of its approach and/or because its stated goal for its members is that they stop drinking forever.
While A.A. may be the best and only solution for some, many therapists are investigating the usefulness of training the individual to control drinking rather than to think in terms of total lifetime abstinence. When total abstinence is the treatment goal, "one little drink" becomes the source of enormous guilt and disappointment, often creating the additional anxiety and feelings of defeatism ("I just don't have what it takes to stop") that send the drinker off on another binge.
Some therapists utilize a method that helps to develop controlled drinking behaviors by teaching the individual to recognize when the alcohol in his or her blood reaches a certain level--at which point he or she stops drinking.
“Jealousy”
Some husbands and wives feel threatened when their mates look at, talk to, and dance with other people at parties. Being a jealous spouse can be miserable.
Tom, off in a corner nursing a drink by himself, thinks: "Mary dances with me as though I'm an old shoe, or something, but she certainly doesn’t seem to mind cuddling up to Roger." He meets Mary's glance with a glare.
Tom's jealous behavior which by implication accuses Mary of more interest in Roger than she should have may actually increase the number of times Mary dances with Roger. People often do what they are expected to do. If Tom expects Mary to spend most of her time with other men at parties, she probably will.
The following guidelines may be helpful when you and your partner want to build trust in your marriage :
- Make Verbal Expressions of Commitment: Husbands and wives want to hear their partners say, "I love you." Say it. But say it on the way to the party when your partner is not engaging in jealous behavior. For Mary to respond to Tom’s jealous accusations with reassurances of her affection is, in fact, to reward and encourage Tom to be jealous more often.
- Engage in Behaviors That Indicate Trust: Partners who trust each other do not feel threatened when their mates pay attention to others. As a wife, you might indicate trust in your husband by calling his attention to some particularly beautiful woman, to her voluptuous figure, her flawless complexion, or her glamorous hair. As a husband, you might point out to your wife an especially attractive and well-dressed man. In the above scenario, Tom might actually point out to Mary a particularly good looking man at the party. When you encourage your partner to enjoy looking at others, you are acting like a trusting mate, and by acting like one, you may come to feel like one.
- Balance Time Together and Apart at Parties: One way to avoid the feeling of "I didn't see my partner for the whole party" is to mutually agree that, minute for minute, you will spend as much time with your partner as you spend with others. If you dance three dances with your spouse, you would spend three dances "away," and vice versa. This agreement assures that your spouse gets equal time.
“My partner is a dependent clinging spouse”
One partner's utter dependency on the other almost always leads to unhappiness for both. (For our purposes here, the overly dependent clinging spouse may be defined as one who becomes depressed and unable to function when absent from his/her partner.) In regard to recreation, the overly dependent spouse has no very well-defined interests of his/her own and demands the constant time and attention of the partner.
"I feel more like his mother than his wife," says the mate of an overdependent husband. "He won't go anywhere or do anything without me. Last year I wanted to take a course at night at the local community college, but he acted as though I were deserting him forever. So I didn't."
The husband of an overly dependent wife says: "She's like a parasite. She expects me to be her constant companion, to keep her always entertained and happy, and heaven help me if I want to go to a football game or something without her."
Relationships such as these often can be improved when the dependent partner is encouraged to develop recreational interests of his/her own. The following suggestions may help:
- Identify a Possible New Interest: The dependent partner should make up a list of possible new interests. Just for starters, it might be helpful to think back to the days before marriage and try to remember how one enjoyed spending one's time then. Such a list might include sports, either new ones or those in which a certain proficiency was established during high school or college, membership in a health club or gym or the local Y, learning (or perhaps relearning) a musical instrument, collecting (stamps, books, records, antiques, etc.), arts and theater group, book discussion group or amateur choral society, classes in painting, photography, dance, yoga, etc.
- Make a Commitment: Choose from the list of possible new interests the activity with the strongest immediate appeal and then make a commitment to explore that interest for a period of at least six months. Agreeing with yourself to only do things you regularly do AFTER you do the new thing can be a big help with the follow-through of making the commitment. Jed, for example, might make an agreement with himself that he will read the Sunday papers (or eat desserts, or use the phone, or whatever) only if he actually joins the exercise facility and goes four days a week. Or Sally, who has decided to learn to play the piano, might make the rule with herself that she will make weekly visits to the hairdresser only after she has practiced her piano lessons.
It is up to the partner of the dependent spouse to reinforce desirable behavior, to notice and to praise either verbally or by actions the spouse’s attempts to achieve a degree of autonomy. Thus, Meg would be wise to have warm smiles, coffee, and cake ready for Jed when he comes home from the exercise club, accompanied perhaps by a phrase such as, "It's nice when you go out for a while by yourself because when you come back I appreciate you all the more."
Spouses sometimes wonder whether it is "right" for husbands and wives to spend some of their leisure hours apart. "Rightness" or "wrongness" can be evaluated in terms of the consequences. Do the partners feel better about themselves and each other when some of their free time is devoted to activities in which their mates cannot or do not wish to engage or do not wish to share an interest? Often they do. Sometimes they don't.
How to be your own marriage therapist
How happy are you in your marriage? Your answer could be "very" or "not very" depending on when you are asked the question. All spouses go through times in their marriage when everything seems to be going right‑ they are in love and feel terrific about their relationship. But there are other times when they may feel emotionally distant from each other and home becomes a place of misery. Some begin to think of separation and divorce. The goal of this chapter is to offer a framework for looking at problems and doing something about them.
What is marriage therapy?
Marriage therapy involves a therapist working with spouses with the goal of helping them to be happier with each other. In some cases the spouses are not sure if they want to stay together, so the goal of working with the spouse or spouses is to help them decide what they want to do. This chapter assumes that you are committed to your partner and that your goal is to learn more about how to improve your relationship. In this chapter, we focus on a behavioral approach to marriage counseling.
What is a behavioral marriage therapy?
The behavioral marriage therapist believes that spouses are unhappy because each is engaging in behavior that upsets the other. The goal of therapy is to identify what each spouse wants the other to do, negotiate an exchange of those behaviors, and begin to engage in the new behaviors. For example, there is something that your partner does which upsets you and you would be happier if your partner stopped this behavior or, better still, replaced it with a behavior that you liked. One wife said that her husband's criticizing her made her upset and that she would be happier if he stopped saying bad things about her and started complimenting her.
Once the partner stops the negative behavior and starts the positive behavior, the spouse begins to feel happier. "I don't feel like I'm walking on eggs around him all the time now that he says only good things about me," she said.
Behavioral Marriage Therapy Is Scientific
Behavioral marriage therapy is scientific in that it is based on two assumptions. As just mentioned, the way you feel about your spouse is based on your spouse's behavior toward you. When your spouse compliments you, is affectionate, and tells you that he or she loves you, you feel good and are happy to be married to your partner. But when your partner criticizes you, doesn't want to touch you, and tells you that he or she hates you, you feel bad and may wish you were not married to your partner.
Second, the behavior you engage in has been learned. If you are an affectionate person and find it easy to touch and show your affection, you most likely learned this by observing your parents being affectionate with each other. If they were not affectionate and you never saw them touch each other, chances are you may not be affectionate either. This method of learning is called modeling. Having observed your parents’ behavior, you tend to do what they did. Of course, there are things your parents did that you may avoid doing. For example, if one of them was a heavy drinker, you may have reverse modeled so that you do not drink at all because of the negative consequences you saw that alcohol had for them.
In addition to modeling, there are other principles of learning that help to explain why we do what we do in marriage. Two of these principles are reward and punishment. The reward principle says that spouses tend to do things they are rewarded for. If you call your spouse when you are going to be late and your spouse thanks you for doing so, you are more likely to call your spouse in the future when you will be late. The point for all of us as spouses is to make sure that we are reinforcing the behaviors we want our spouses to engage in.
If we don't take responsibility for rewarding (“thank you for calling”) the behaviors we want our partners to engage in, it is unrealistic for us to expect them to engage in the behaviors we like. One wife complained that her husband never asked her to go anywhere with him. But the husband said that he used to ask her to go with him when they were first married but since she always made an excuse not to go (translation‑ did not reinforce him for asking her), he stopped asking.
The punishment principle is just the opposite of the reward principle. If you ask your spouse, "How was your day?" and your spouse says, "Don't ask me any questions about my day, I'm tired of talking," and walks into another room, you will soon learn not to ask that question. We don't continue to do things that we are punished for.
Behavioral Marriage Therapy Is Easy to Understand
These two principles of learning help to provide an explanation of why you and your spouse may do certain things and not others. If your spouse doesn't do something that you like, perhaps it is because your spouse has not been rewarded for doing so or has been punished for doing so.
If you don't do something your spouse wants you to do, perhaps it is because your spouse has not rewarded you for doing so or has punished you for doing so. There is nothing mystical about human behavior. In many cases it is simply a function of what has been rewarded or punished or, in other cases, learned through modeling.
And since behavior is learned, it can be changed. So if you and your partner have learned negative ways of relating to each other, you can replace these by learning more positive ways of relating.
Behavioral Marriage Therapy Is Easy to Apply
Later in this chapter we will discuss behavior contracts and how to use them in your relationship. Behavior contracts are useful ways of helping to ensure that you and your partner do what makes the other happy. The other recommendations made throughout the book are also practical and easy to apply. Too much has been made of the word "therapy" so that people have become afraid of it. It is simply a word which suggests help and, in many cases, we can help ourselves.
What marriage therapists do (that you can do for yourself)
The going rate for private marital therapy is $125. What do you get for your money?. There is often a mystery about what happens behind the closed doors of a therapy session in progress. Some of what happens you can do yourself.
- Reaffirm Commitment to Your Relationship
One of the first items a therapist establishes is the goal of the couple seeking therapy. Although some are ambivalent about whether to remain in the marriage, most have already decided that they want to find a way through their current impasse. Commitment to the relationship is important if the relationship is to improve. If the couple does not want the relationship to improve, it won't. - Confront Issues
After confirming that improving your relationship is the goal, the therapist asks, "What would you like to talk about? What are you concerned about today?" and encourages you to talk about what is troubling you and your partner. The goal during this stage of therapy is to identify the source of the bad feelings you are experiencing and to find out if you want to confront the issue.
For example, one woman was trembling with frustration, anger, and emotional pain as a result of having discovered that her husband had been having an affair. She had been married for nine years and had a 2-and-a-half-year-old son. She knew that she was upset about what she had discovered but didn't know if she should look the other way and act as though she was unaware that he was seeing another woman. Although the therapist did not make up her mind for her, he pointed out the consequences of keeping her head in the sand. If she did not confront him, she was giving him the green light to continue. Not only would he be likely to escalate the relationship with the other woman, but he could easily establish a pattern of having other women in his life. If she did not confront the issue now, she might have a larger issue later.
Not all marital problems involve affairs. Other problems include sex, work, money, and a long list of other issues. In making your decision about whether to confront an issue, keep in mind that if you don't resolve a problem, you keep it and that hoping that it will go away is usually just that‑ hope.
On the other hand, it would be foolish to assume that every problem must be confronted. Indeed there are times to ride out the storm. For example, one husband was upset because his wife's invalid mother had moved in with them. He felt that their home had become a nursing home and that his wife was always tied up with the care of her mother. But rather than confront his wife and force her to make choices between him and her mother, he said nothing. And within a year, the mother died. Although his wife's difficulty in adjusting to her mother's death was another problem, in retrospect, he was glad he hadn’t made an issue over her invalid mother’s being in the home with them.
In deciding to confront an issue, you might ask yourself these questions:
a. How much does this problem upset me? Is this a major issue or is this something I can adjust to?
b. How long is this problem likely to go on? When is too long?
c. If I don't confront this problem, how will I feel?
d. How will my partner react if I bring this issue up?
e. What will be the outcome if I do bring this problem up? Will we work it out so that we both feel better about it or will discussing this push us farther apart? f. Am I willing to get divorced over this issue if I bring it up and my partner won't help resolve it?
g. What behavior or behaviors do I want my partner to engage in?
Assuming that you decide to confront an issue, think of what you want to happen as a result of the discussion. And to focus your thinking even more, begin to ask yourself exactly what you want your partner to do differently to help resolve the problem. For example, if an affair is the problem, the behavior you want your partner to engage is to stop all contact with the other person. If your partner is too absorbed in her work, you might want her to allocate more time to be with you and to stop sending text messages when you are trying to have a conversation. Rather than having in mind some vague outcome of your discussion, identify exactly what behaviors you would like your partner to engage in.
Being your own marriage therapist means not only identifying what's wrong in your relationship, but what you want to be different. And this is true for both you and your partner. Just as you have your own list of what your partner does that upsets you and what you want him or her to do differently, your partner will also have a list (ask and you'll see). There are things that you do which upset him or her and which he or she would like you to change.
Exchange Behaviors
It is helpful to think of marriage as a relationship in which you exchange behaviors with your partner. You do what your partner wants and vice versa. But two things are important in making the exchange. The first is that the behavior you give is exactly the one that your partner wants, not what you think your partner wants. For example, one husband said that he was a good provider because he took the family on a vacation to the Bahamas. But his wife said that her husband spent the vacation fishing and didn't spend any time with her or their children. "I want him to spend time with me and with us as a family," she said. Second, the frequency with which you do the things that your partner wants is also important. Only to spend a few minutes once a week when your partner wants time every day is too great a gap between the expectation and the reality. Or to go on a nice vacation together but to do so once in ten years when your partner wants it annually is not enough. So not only is it important that you and your partner do things for each other but that you do them as frequently as each of you want.
Partners are sometimes anxious about actually talking with the partner about making a behavioral exchange. "How do I bring it up?" they ask. You might consider saying something like the following to your partner.
You know that I love you and care about you. And we both know that lately neither of us has been as happy as we have been in the past. I've been reading some information how to improve a relationship and would like to suggest that we simply tell each other what we want each other to do and begin doing those things for each other. Sometimes you get upset with me and wish I wouldn't do certain things. Please tell me what you would like me to do so that I can begin to engage in these behaviors and you can avoid these negative feelings about me. And, of course, there are things that you do that upset me. I'll suggest things that I would like for you to do so that I can avoid getting upset. We can each begin to do what the other has asked and that should help us to avoid some of these unpleasant feelings we have been having. Okay?
Although most partners are willing to talk about their relationship with each other, some will not. Some are defensive (deny that there is a problem or blame you for it) or are completely noncommunicative (shut you out, won't talk). If this is the case in your relationship, there are several options. One is to drop the issue and hope that your partner will feel different about discussing the issue in a few days. All spouses go through different moods and sometimes we just don't want to deal with an issue. But at other times we are more open. Sometimes it is best to just give the partner some time.
Another alternative is to change your behavior even though your partner is unwilling to discuss changing his or hers. One wife said that even though her husband spent four week nights at the office each week and wouldn't discuss changing his schedule, she was going to stop nagging him about it. Not surprisingly, after she stopped nagging him, he began to spend more nights at home.
What marriage therapists do (that you can’t do for yourself)
Although identifying and trading behaviors is something that you can do as your own marriage therapist, there are some aspects of the marriage relationship which you should not try to treat yourself. These include severe depression, suicide thoughts, and alcoholism.
Don’t try to treat severe depression yourself
Severe depression (not just a headache and going to bed early) is characterized by withdrawal, loss of appetite, and difficulty in sleeping. Although we all have periods in which we do not want to interact with others, or aren't hungry, or can't sleep, when these three occur together and over a long period of time (month), depression has set in. Part of being your own marriage therapist is to know when you need to refer yourself or your partner to outside help. And this is one of those times. See a psychiatrist who will most likely recommend medication will is often very helpful.
Don’t try to treat suicide thoughts yourself
Related to severe depression are suicide thoughts. The severely depressed person will sometimes want to die as a way of escaping the sad feelings she or he is experiencing. Should you have suicide thoughts or your partner says “I just want to die"-call a local psychiatrist immediately. While for some people, suicide thoughts are usually temporary and the person counters such thoughts with "I couldn't do that" or "Who would take care of my children?" or "I'll get over these feelings," as one therapist said, "When you're dead, you're dead a long time." Suicide is an issue which requires professional help. A psychiatrist is the professional of choice because he or she can prescribe medication if necessary.
Don’t try to treat alcoholism by yourself
Get professional help (psychologist or psychiatrist) if alcohol is a problem for either spouse.
Don’t try to treat spouse abuse yourself
Spouse abuse is another concern that is beyond the scope of this website and requires professional help. In a recent study, one third of the spouses reported violence in their relationship. This was defined as pushing, grabbing, shoving, and hitting the partner with something, throwing something at the partner, slapping, or beating the partner up. Or, relentless denigration/criticizing the partner is abuse.
To summarize this section, the way you feel about your partner (and the way your partner feels about you) is based on your behavior toward each other. By identifying the behaviors that each of you wants the other to engage in and exchanging these behaviors, you can set the context of an improved relationship.
