About one in three marriages involves a spouse who has been married before. Although the partners are usually older (in their thirties and beyond), their first year together will reflect changes in love, sex, and in-law relationships similar to those of first marriages. But there are differences.
Most (6 in 10) second marriages begin with children from the previous marriage. While children are a delight for most parents, “they are the biggest source of difficulty in second marriages,” says Lillian Messinger, Chief Social Worker at the Clarke Institute of Psychiatry. The problems result if the new spouse feels that her husband’s children are more important to him than she is. “He wants his kids to be with us on weekends,” said one new wife who married a divorced man with three children. “I would prefer to be alone with him.”
In addition to children influencing the first year of remarriage, money is also a concern. Alimony and child support payments caused by the first marriage come out of the paychecks of the second marriage. One wife said that her paycheck covered her husband’s payments to his first wife.
But most second marriages survive both stepchildren and money issues. And spouses have a more positive perspective of conflict. “When you have a fight in your first marriage, you think it’s the end of the world,” said Nancy, now remarried. “But in your second marriage, you know that conflict is a part of being married and you don’t become devastated by it. You just start working it out quicker.” Indeed, spouses in remarriage often become closer out of their struggle (with kids and money) and their commitment to make their marriage work. These commitment patterns emerge the first year.
